How to Deal With a Dysfunctional Family
Growing up with dysfunctional family dynamics isn’t easy, to say the least. And, it can leave a lasting impact on so many areas of your life.
Dysfunctional family dynamics refer to patterns of interaction, communication, and behavior within a family unit that are unhealthy and destructive to the family unit.
In her book, “It Will Never Happen to Me” Claudia Black describes the 3 rules of dysfunctional families as: don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.
The earlier someone is exposed to these dynamics, the more likely it is that they will be negatively impacted.
These dynamics often contribute to an environment where emotional, psychological, and/or even physical well-being is compromised.
Key elements of dysfunctional family dynamics might include:
Poor Communication: In dysfunctional families, communication is often characterized by misunderstandings, misinterpretations, or a lack of open and honest expression. Members may struggle to convey their thoughts and feelings effectively, leading to frustration and emotional distance.
Lack of Emotional Support: Emotional support is a cornerstone of healthy family dynamics. In dysfunctional families, individuals may find it challenging to express their emotions, receive empathy, or feel validated in their experiences. This absence of support can contribute to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Unhealthy Boundaries: Dysfunctional families frequently struggle with establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries. This can manifest as over-involvement or enmeshment, where individual identities are blurred, or conversely, as rigid boundaries that inhibit healthy connections and emotional intimacy.
Control Issues: Power dynamics in dysfunctional families often involve an imbalance of control. Certain family members may exert excessive control over others and others may experience domestic violence, leading to a lack of autonomy and independence. Conversely, others may resist authority, leading to conflict and power struggles.
Role Confusion: Dysfunctional family dynamics may assign individuals rigid roles that limit personal development. For example, a child may be forced into a caregiving role, disrupting the natural order of family relationships and hindering their own emotional growth.
Lack of Accountability: Dysfunction often thrives in an environment where accountability is scarce. Family members may avoid addressing problems or taking responsibility for their actions, perpetuating a cycle of blame, denial, and avoidance.
Repetition of Patterns: Dysfunctional family dynamics can be intergenerational, with unhealthy patterns passed down from one generation to the next. Individuals may unconsciously replicate behaviors learned in their family of origin, perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction.
Struggle With Substance Misuse: family dynamics, exacerbated by substance misuse, involve harmful patterns influenced by drug or alcohol abuse. This combination intensifies communication issues, emotional turmoil, and compromised support. Substance misuse worsens boundary problems, intensifies control dynamics, leads to role reversals, and hampers accountability within the family. The intergenerational impact creates a cycle of addiction and dysfunction.
Growing up with dysfunctional family dynamics can have a profound and lasting impact on your emotional, psychological, and relational health.
The impact might include:
A High Emotional Toll: Growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave individuals with a range of complex emotions. The absence of emotional support and healthy expression may result in heightened stress, anxiety, and difficulty managing emotions. You might resonate with the struggle of navigating your feelings without a secure emotional foundation.
Formation of Core Beliefs: Dysfunctional family dynamics can shape a person's core beliefs about themselves and the world. For those recovering from trauma and disordered eating, distorted beliefs around self-worth, trust, and safety may arise from early experiences within their family. Recognizing and challenging these beliefs becomes a crucial aspect of the healing process.
Impact on Relationships: The relational patterns witnessed in dysfunctional families often carry over into adulthood. Clients may grapple with challenges in forming and maintaining healthy relationships, experiencing difficulties with trust, vulnerability, and intimacy. Addressing these patterns becomes essential for those on the path to recovery.
Development of Coping Mechanisms: Growing up in a dysfunctional family environment can lead to the development of coping mechanisms that may have been adaptive in the past, but could become maladaptive in adulthood. For instance, disordered eating patterns may have served as a coping strategy during times of emotional distress within the family.
Self-Esteem and Identity Issues: Dysfunctional family dynamics can contribute to the erosion of self-esteem and a distorted sense of identity. You may struggle with self-acceptance and a deep-seated belief that you are inherently flawed.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: The lack of healthy boundaries in dysfunctional families can result in challenges when it comes to setting and maintaining boundaries in personal and professional relationships. You might struggle with asserting yourself and may fear rejection or conflict.
Intergenerational Transmission: Dysfunctional patterns often repeat across generations. You might be dealing not only with your own experiences, but also with the legacy of dysfunction and childhood trauma or traumatic experience passed down from previous generations. Recognizing and interrupting this intergenerational transmission of CPTSD vs PTSD is a vital aspect of the therapeutic journey.
Struggles with Trust and Intimacy: Dysfunctional family dynamics can create a foundation of mistrust, making it challenging to establish genuine connections. This can manifest as difficulties in forming close friendships, romantic relationships, and professional collaborations.
If you grew up in a home with dysfunctional family dynamics, and experienced and/or witnessed abuse, neglect, substance misuse or chaos within your home, you might identify with having CPTSD or Complex PTSD.
Additional symptoms might also include:
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Developing trust in others may be challenging, as the reliability of family members was compromised. This might manifest as hesitancy in forming close connections and a fear of vulnerability.
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Suppressing emotions may have become a coping mechanism. You might struggle to express yourself openly, fearing judgment or anticipating negative consequences for sharing their feelings.
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Growing up for an extended period of time without clear boundaries can lead to challenges in setting and maintaining healthy limits. You might find yourself either over-accommodating others or being overly guarded, unsure of where to draw the line.
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Dysfunctional families sometimes foster an environment where achievements are used as a measure of self-worth. As a result, you might have developed perfectionistic tendencies or a persistent fear of failure.
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Seeking approval and validation may be a common trait. Individuals might go to great lengths to please others, often at the expense of their own needs and desires.
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The lack of emotional safety in dysfunctional families can make it challenging to be open and vulnerable. Building intimate connections might feel intimidating, leading to difficulties in forming deep, meaningful relationships.
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Unconsciously replicating the dysfunctional dynamics witnessed in childhood is common. You might find yourself drawn to relationships that mirror the patterns you experienced growing up, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction.
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Dysfunctional family dynamics often involve blame and shame. You might carry a heavy burden of guilt, even for circumstances beyond your control, impacting your self-esteem and overall well-being.
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To protect yourself from potential conflict or emotional distress, you may resort to avoidance. This can manifest in additional symptoms like avoiding difficult conversations, suppressing emotions, or steering clear of situations that evoke discomfort.
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The lack of acknowledgment and celebration in dysfunctional families may lead to downplaying your own achievements. Recognizing personal success may be accompanied by feelings of guilt or unworthiness.
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The normalization and experience of witnessing substance misuse increases the likelihood of engaging in similar behaviors, potentially leading to substance abuse and other risky choices.
Have you ever wondered how to overcome growing up in a dysfunctional family or how to fix a dysfunctional family?
Coping with the impact of growing up in a home with dysfunctional family dynamics is a process. That process typically involves self-discovery, self-compassion, resilience, and intentional efforts to work towards healing.
Here are 10 ways to heal from and cope with dysfunctional family dynamics:
Find Professional Support: Working with a trauma therapist or an EMDR Therapist can provide you with a relationship to explore your past, how it has impacted your present and develop new ways of being if your world. Asking mental health professionals the type of treatment for PTSD vs CPTSD is an important differentiation, and finding the right fit for you is most important.
Establish Boundaries: It's okay to say no and prioritize your well-being. Boundaries are meant to protect and serve you. If you’ve lived with family dysfunction, boundary setting can be a challenge. But, know that you deserve protection and safety. Learn more about boundaries on this Reclaim You podcast episode.
Practice Mindfulness and Self-Reflection: Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for managing overwhelming emotions and breaking free from automatic, reactive patterns that can occur after you have experienced trauma. Looking for more ways to practice mindfulness? Head to the Reclaim You (free) membership for tools to support you.
Build a Supportive Network: Build a supportive social network outside the family. Meaningful connections with friends, support groups, or fellow individuals on the path to recovery can provide the understanding and encouragement needed for healing.
Understand and Challenge Negative Self-Beliefs: Working with an EMDR therapist who can support you in doing parts work (internal family systems) can help you understand where your negative beliefs stem from. Trauma therapy can support you in healing parts of yourself that hold negative self-beliefs and build new beliefs that are in alignment with what you value.
Understand What You Have Done to Cope: Many symptoms that folks come to therapy looking to address can be traced back to strategies to cope with overwhelming life experienced. If you’re struggling with and eating disorder, understanding how it has served you in coping and trying to regulate yourself can give you a new perspective, and an opportunity to build new coping skills.
Embrace Self-Compassion: Lean into the skill of self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Self-compassion can be a powerful antidote to the harsh self-judgment that often stems from dysfunctional family dynamics.
Do Some Heady Exploration on the Impact of Trauma: Understanding the connection between past experiences and current struggles can connect dots and can be empowering. Check out our Blog and our Podcast to learn more about the impact of trauma.
Establish Rituals of Self-Care: Engage in self-care and boring self-care practices whenever you can. Whether it's taking time for relaxation, engaging in activities they enjoy, or prioritizing sleep, these rituals can become anchors in your healing process.
Reclaim You and Your Identity: Give yourself space to grieve and explore personal values, interests, and goals that light you up. Differentiate what feels good and aligned for you from what you were taught or told what should feel good and aligned.
The team at Reclaim Therapy believes that healing is possible and that therapy for dysfunctional family dynamics and/or Complex PTSD can support you in reclaiming your life.
Our trauma therapists in Pennsylvania provide eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR Therapy) somatic therapy and parts work for folks who are hoping to get dysfunctional family help. We treat PTSD and CPTSD, along with eating disorders and body image concerns.
If you’re looking for a trauma therapist in Pennsylvania, EMDR therapy or trauma therapy in Pennsylvania, we’d be honored to support you.
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Reclaim Therapy is a therapy practice in Horsham, PA that specializes in providing eating disorder therapy in Pennsylvania, trauma therapy and EMDR therapy in Horsham, PA.
Our team is passionate about helping folks reclaim their lives from the impact of traumatic experiences, diet culture, disordered eating and body-shame. To learn more about our specialities, head here, and to learn more about the members of our team, head here.