Reclaim You- Dysfunctional Family Dynamics & The Holidays
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In this episode, Sarah and Abby discuss how to navigate the holidays when dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics.
They explore the stress that many people experience during this time of year and the pressure to be joyful and family-focused. They define dysfunctional family dynamics as including conflict, tension, unspoken words, and communication patterns that do not foster safety and authenticity. The importance of setting boundaries and planning ahead is emphasized, as well as the need to lower expectations and focus on self-care.
They also discuss the challenges of navigating alcohol use and conflict during family functions. The episode concludes with encouragement to reclaim the holidays and make them your own.
Takeaways
The holidays can be a stressful time for many people, with 77% of individuals finding it the most stressful time of the year.
Dysfunctional family dynamics can include conflict, tension, unspoken words, and communication patterns that do not foster safety and authenticity.
Setting boundaries and planning ahead are crucial for navigating the holidays with dysfunctional family dynamics.
Lowering expectations and focusing on self-care can help alleviate stress and create a more enjoyable holiday experience.
Reclaiming the holidays and making them your own can involve creating new traditions and focusing on what brings you joy.
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[00:01] Sarah: Hi there.
[00:01] Sarah: Welcome to Reclaim you, a podcast published by the Reclaim therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy because we're about to dive in.
[00:20] Sarah: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Reclaim you. Today we're talking about how. How to navigate the holidays when you have some dysfunctional family dynamics happening. So Abby's here chatting about all of that. Hey, Abby.
[00:34] Abby: Hey, Sarah. Yeah, I'm excited to talk about this. I feel like it's a topic that I've probably, at many points in my life, needed more guidance around or needed more support around. And it's probably helpful for me even just to go back to as reminders when the holidays creep around. It's a hard time of year for a lot of people.
[00:58] Sarah: Absolutely. Yeah, it really is. And I found a statistic on that, actually, that 77% of people find the holidays the most stressful time of the year.
[01:11] Abby: Wow.
[01:11] Sarah: Yeah. Which makes a lot of sense.
[01:13] Abby: That makes sense to me.
[01:15] Sarah: I know.
[01:15] Abby: It's, like, surprising and not surprising at the same time. Wow.
[01:20] Sarah: It's, like, affirming, right?
[01:21] Abby: Like.
[01:22] Sarah: Oh, right.
[01:22] Abby: Yeah. I mean, a lot of people that I talk to both professionally and just, like, in my personal life, it's such a stressful time of year for so many people, for so many different reasons, and yet there's this expectation to be super jolly and family focused and joyous and gracious and all of these things that we're just feeling the opposite around. And so if we're already feeling stressed, anxious, like maybe this sense of dread, but then we're being presented with this expectation that you should feel super like, what's the song? There's so many songs that are, like, the best time of the year or whatever.
[02:13] Sarah: So many songs. All of the songs, actually.
[02:15] Abby: Wonderful time of the year. There you go. Yeah, there's that pressure. So if we're feeling some type of way, but told we're not supposed to feel that way, then we feel even worse. It's like, why don't I feel better around this time of year? So that's tough. That makes it extra challenging.
[02:36] Sarah: What do you think you would kind of. How would you describe what a dysfunctional family dynamic is? I guess it could go lots of ways, but maybe a general bird's eye view of what that might look like for folks.
[02:49] Abby: Oh, yeah, that's such a big question. And maybe there's many definitions. I'm sure there's, like one specific definition for dysfunctional, but I think it could go many different ways. Like families where there's lots of conflict, or families, maybe not even outward conflict, but there's lots of tension or unspoken words, maybe passive aggressive tendencies. So maybe conflict isn't the sole element of dysfunction. Like, there might be elements of just things going unsaid. Oftentimes, thinking about family dysfunction, I think about communication patterns, and that might not be the only thing. But are you in your family of origin? Do you feel like a sense of safety? Do you feel a sense of, like, you can speak up and be yourself and be heard and be acknowledged for who you are, and that isn't true for a lot of us or all of us. And so I don't know. Yeah, I don't know if there's, like, one specific definition, but that's where my brain goes. Can you be your full self with your family and feel safety? Yeah.
[03:59] Sarah: And I agree with you about that communication thing, right? Is there kindness? Is there respect for mutual conversation? Or is it like a one way street? And that being able to be authentically you, or do you have to dim your light? That feels like some sort of cliched phrase, but do you have to dim your light in order to be around your family?
[04:19] Abby: Yeah. And even thinking about how you live your day to day life, and maybe there's a sense of safety there, maybe not. Or maybe you can be your full self there and maybe not. But I do think there's a big difference when you're living your life day to day and you feel like you can be a little bit more yourself. But when you go to your family of origin or you're with that group of peoplE, like you said, you dim it down more. You can't be as much of yourself as you typically are when you're at home by yourself or with the people that you feel most comfortable with, that's really hard.
[04:56] Sarah: That is really hard. And I think it's so common, too.
[05:00] Abby: Yeah. For lots of reasons. Maybe trauma history. Maybe there's. I'm just thinking again, like, the big umbrella of dysfunction. So I'm thinking of trauma history. Maybe there's addiction within the family, divorce, separation, blended families. So many different directions we could go in that make the holidays more stressful. Grief, like, huge part of holiday stress. Holiday anxiety. Yeah. If you're grieving the loss of a loved one, and that loved one was very much a part of holiday traditions. And maybe it's the first time you're entering into the holiday space without that person or that pet or that loved one. That's really challenging. And maybe it's not the first time. Maybe it's been many holidays that have passed and you're still feeling the weight of that as you enter into the holidays. Because, again, when we go through our lives day to day, maybe those reminders may not be as present. Maybe they are. But, like, the holidays in particular, I feel like they just sort of shine a really strong light on family dynamics and shine a strong light on loss. And maybe not even just loss in the traditional sense of the death of a person or a pet loved one, but, like, loss in other ways. Like loss of if our parents are there or family members are there, but they're not in the relationship with us in the way that we need and want. There's grief in that. And so it's so challenging when the holidays shed light on that. Then we feel that grief. We feel all of the feelings and we're told not to because it's the most wonderful time of the year. Just be joyful. Just be joyful.
[06:40] Sarah: It can create a lot of tension inside over what is and what, quote unquote, should be. And then it's so easy to get lost in that and not really know how to handle the season or take care of yourself or where to go, who to talk to. Overwhelming.
[07:00] Abby: Yeah, where to go. I'm sure you meant where to go, maybe emotionally, mentally, but I'm even thinking about where to go when it comes to planning out your holidays and who you're choosing to spend time with. And sometimes that dilemma comes up of, like, where do I go to celebrate these holidays? Is it a space that serves me? And if it doesn't, is it still something that I feel an obligation around, like, I need to go see these family members, even though there's a lot of dysfunction there or there's a lot of conflict there, lots of trauma, lots of what have you. That's what I thought of immediately when you said where to go. Like, even just deciding how to spend your time and who to spend your time with over the holidays can be really daunting. And I know for a lot of people, the days, weeks, months leading up to this time of year can be spent grappling with that. It really does unearth a lot of the family dynamics that maybe throughout the rest of the year we don't pay as much attention to because it's not on display as it is at this time of year.
[08:11] Sarah: Yeah, it's not the focus, for sure. I'm thinking about from a parts work perspective for folks that that might be coming up for this kind of idea. I was talking to someone earlier today about this. This idea of like a loyalty contract that I think lots of us as kids, as little people in the world, kind of take on having to be loyal to your family of origin, to your caregiver, to your parent, whoever that is. Because we're wired for survival, right? They're the people that take care of us who are safe or who we hope will be safe, who we hope will tune to us and connect with us. So there can be this sense of, like, I have to be loyal to these people because I still want that safety and connection. Like, I'm vying for that safety and connection where our adult selves know that maybe that isn't possible or that isn't accessible, right. That isn't in their capacity. But there is this tension between the two of little parts of us wanting what never was and feeling loyal and also like, no, that's not possible. I need to take care of myself. It's just like a really messy place to be in.
[09:17] Abby: Yeah. And then sometimes the tendency is to want to go to one extreme or the other. So I'm just not going to see my family at all. I'm not going to speak to them. We're going. No contact, which for some, it's absolutely a necessary step and a really important step to take. And is so based on each individual's experience, relationships, story. And then the other end of the spectrum might be like that loyalty to, I need to be the one to fix these things. I need to sort of grasp at every single straw to make sure we stay connected, even though this person has hurt me in this way or whatever the case may be. So sometimes our tendencies, we can kind of go to one end or the other. And as you were talking, I was thinking about how for some of us, it might be the case that there's this balance that we need to strike, and that's where the boundaries come in. I want to remain connected to these family members in some way because I do care and I care about our relationship. And yet there's this dynamic or this experience in this relationship with this family member where it's not possible for me to be so connected to them all the time. There needs to be a boundary in place. So whenever I'm thinking about the holiday season, boundaries are the first thing my first go to. First it's planning for it. So there's lots of planning for folks who have dysfunctional family situations. Lots of planning as the holidays are gearing up, like, where am I going to go? What am I going to do? How am I going to be? And then I think the question does become, like, what boundaries do I need to sustain myself, take care of myself? And if I want this relationship to continue to maybe grow, heal, whatever, what boundary do I need to put in place so that there's that possibility and maybe the boundary is no contact for some.
[11:15] Sarah: Yeah, there's no right or wrong. Right. I think everyone gets to themselves, and sometimes it is no contact, and sometimes it is remaining engaged in the relationship in hopefully, a boundaried way where you stay protected and able to care for yourself and honor what your impulses are saying, whether that's like, leave early or go take a break in the other room, know, pull up Netflix on your, like, it doesn't matter. Whatever it is, whatever you need to stay regulated and as safe as possible in these situations, that can really just churn up a lot.
[11:49] Abby: Yeah, the timing piece feels really important. Like, how much time do I need to be at this event or be around these people? What is my sort of exit strategy, if you will? I'm planning on maybe being there for X amount of time because that's how I know that I can take care of myself. And if something comes up before that, that tells me this is no longer a good place for me to be in. Almost like making the plan for. How can I excuse myself to go take care of myself, to go find the safety that I need in this moment? So there is some planning to be.
[12:37] Sarah: Yes, yes. And looking at hard numbers, I shared this with Abby right before we started recording that there's a study that I'll link to. Once I find the study, I'll link to it that says that most people can spend 4 hours with their family of origin before saying, like, okay, I'm done. That's enough. Which is fascinating in both ways. 4 hours is a half a day.
[13:02] Abby: Yeah. Such an interesting number. And for some, it might be like, whoa, that's long. That's a long time to be with my family. For others, it might be like, oh, wow, that's pretty telling. It's kind of a shocking number.
[13:16] Sarah: It is. And it's kind of grounding in a way that if that's what the average is, I guess, of whatever study this is, if that's the average, then those of us that might feel like I'm the only one that feels this way around the holidays, that's actually quite not true. Right?
[13:34] Abby: Yeah. I feel like we need that more than we think. We need that knowing or that understanding that we're not alone in this. We're not the only ones that feel maybe a little bit more distressed around the holidays or a little bit more anxious for whatever reason, really. But if it relates to family matters, it can feel really isolating. Like, why is my family like this? Why can't I just have a quote unquote normal family? There's also maybe this is me projecting, but along with it's the most wonderful time of the year, we get holiday cards. I love getting holiday cards. It's so nice to see everyone's family photos, and not just, like, physical holiday cards, but social media, which is something that we talk a lot about, the family photos. And just, I guess sometimes when we see those picture perfect moments, and again, just one moment in time, typically for some of us, it can send us into a spiral around, like, I wish I had that. I wish I had that picture perfect family that I'm seeing in all these photos, and I just don't. And there's, like, lots of grief in that and lots of sadness and longing, and it feels really isolating. Like, why me? Why my family? Why can't we just fill in the blank? So hearing you say that is a helpful reminder that we all know, okay, social media, pictures, all the things are just a snapshot in time, and typically, we're sharing a more joyful moment. And again, I love seeing it. And for some of us, it's like, it can be really tough to see. So I guess when we do see those photos, when we are on social media, when we're starting to think about, oh, my gosh, everyone else has all these amazing normal, quote unquote families. Again, just the reminder to ourselves, like, we are not alone in this. There are a lot of people who find this time of year really challenging. And it is possible that what I'm seeing out in the world isn't the full picture, and maybe it is, and that's okay, too. But, yeah, helpful reminder that I just.
[15:38] Sarah: Thought of for sure, something that I think around the holidays comes up a lot is alcohol use at family functions and how that can be so hard to navigate. A lot of people may be coping with having a drink or two or three or whatever it is, or family members drinking, and it causing a lot internally for folk and navigating that during the, quote unquote most wonderful time of the year, or even dreading having to navigate during the most wonderful time of the year can be so dysregulating.
[16:16] Abby: Yeah, I know I mentioned earlier, like addiction within families or challenges with alcohol use or other substances. And I guess boundaries come into play there too. Whether it be your own relationship with alcohol, with substances, if it's about other people's relationship with alcohol substances, kind of planning ahead for that. Again, the main themes that I keep coming back to are, like, planning ahead as much as you can, as gently as you can, and in planning ahead, identifying what boundaries might be necessary. So I guess if it's you kind of reflecting a little bit more on your own relationship with alcohol, kind of identify ahead of time. Like, what do I need to manage this family function or this get together? Is it possible that I just need to set a boundary with my own alcohol consumption? Because that might not be the most helpful thing, knowing that I'm going to be a little bit more activated or a little bit more stressed or a little bit more maybe sensitive to the family dynamics and will alcohol maybe just throw me off completely? And then similarly with family members who might have a challenging relationship with alcohol substances, whatever it is, what are the boundaries maybe that you need to have in place to protect, take care of yourself if witnessing someone in that space is going to be really challenging. So again, going back to do I need to leave early? Do I need to have my safe person, if that's possible, with me at this event and I've identified that person and I can always go back to them at the party, the family function or whatever, if I'm having a hard time. Yeah. The planning ahead, really important.
[18:00] Sarah: Yeah. And it feels like even I know for my own life a lot of times is lowering the bar, it's way down. Maybe the bar is on the ground where you can just try to hop right over it. Right. Because that expectation that things are going to be different this year, that everyone's done their radical healing work, probably that's a dream for a lot of people and may not be the reality. So planning ahead and lowering the bar of what you're expecting from other people and just focusing on yourself feels so important.
[18:31] Abby: Yeah. Lowering the bar, checking in on your expectations. And then I know for me sometimes there is the urge to want to help, fix, teach, preach. If things have not changed, right. In the past year and I'm like, seeing old patterns playing out, it's like sometimes, because whether it be the work that we're doing on ourselves, we want to help people maybe find that sense of support and healing as well. And so again, even like boundaries there of, okay, we're going to lower the bar. We're going to have our supports that we need and we're going to set a boundary like, that's not my work to do. My work is me and how do I take care of me. So if that is the tendency for some folks out there, that's like the permission, I guess, of, you don't need to do that work for anyone else.
[19:22] Sarah: And I'm just thinking too about even the. It may not just be like substance use, it could also be conflict. Right. If you have a high conflict family and you're anticipating explosivity, or if you're anticipating or, you know, there's passive aggressive communication, if, you know, dynamics are there, that planning ahead feels so important for all of those things and getting to know yourself and acknowledging what is a trigger, what isn't a trigger ahead of time. So you can create that plan, hopefully with a support person in your life.
[19:54] Abby: Yeah. And planning ahead as flexibly as you can. Because I can see for some, myself included, it might feel like even more activating to create a plan. And you're now thinking of all the worst case scenarios, which can be helpful sometimes to kind of plan for, I guess going back to what you said with lowering the bar, just like I can have a loose plan. Here's generally like the three principles that I want to return to with these family gatherings during the holidays. If my plan of action doesn't go according to plan, that's okay too, because sometimes we get hard on ourselves there as well. Let's say we go to that event and we set the intention around, like, I really don't want to drink because I know that's going to maybe create more problems for me. And then you drink, like letting that be.
[20:43] Sarah: There's a reason for the strategy.
[20:45] Abby: Yeah. And then processing that maybe with a support at a later time when knowing, yeah, it's an adaptive strategy. And can we have compassion for ourselves that our plan, we had all the plans and good intentions, and sometimes, often things don't work out exactly as we hope, especially when it's such a challenging time of year and we're sometimes put into situations that are really dysregulating just inherently.
[21:10] Sarah: And I think the reality is that when we return to family of origin, it's so easy to just assume your old role. It's so easy to just get pulled right back into it and just acknowledging that and being compassionate with yourself around that. Because a lot of times we're not around our families of origin like that all the time. Some people are and some people aren't. And a lot of people who aren't who return are like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe that I was doing this and this and this and this. But that also speaks to these old strategies coming back online implicitly, that you don't have cognitive awareness of a lot of the times. And so then bringing that probably back to a support person to kind of, like, sift through and make sense of and do some work around feels so important. But also just to normalize that experience that I think we all can relate to of like, oh, ****, I'm back in my childhood bedroom, and I'm feeling exactly like I did when I was 14 and slamming the door and saying I hated my life. Like, what's going on?
[22:09] Abby: Yeah, it's so easy to fall back into that. And sometimes just Acknowledging that for ourselves makes sense that I fell back into that, and that's okay. And with some space, time, compassion, maybe a learning opportunity. Okay, what do I want to do differently next time? How can I maybe plan ahead again, gently planning ahead for the next one? Gosh, I've been through so many iterations of, Whoa, I wish that went differently, or I wish I did that differently, but here we are.
[22:40] Sarah: Lost myself there.
[22:42] Abby: That was not plan. That was not the intention. But here we are, back home.
[22:47] Sarah: I'm safe. I can work through this.
[22:49] Abby: Yeah. And when you're back home, or maybe not even back home, but just throughout the holidays, I think the importance of, again, not only boundaries, but self care in whatever way that makes sense for you, is just, like, the most important thing for me. I'll speak personally, I'm not a huge fan of the holidays, and so I like to incorporate a lot of the things that I love that really have nothing to do with the holidays. I love cleaning, and I like doing spring cleaning at this time of year. It's a very strange thing, but I love the new Year. I love New Year's Day. I love, just, like, the idea of something new, evolving, whatever. And so it's funny, I kind of use this time of year to do some of my spring cleaning, and that brings me so much joy. And it has nothing to do with the holidays, but it feels so grounding to me. Not saying anyone has to do that, but, like, finding what works for you. It doesn't have to be. We can lower the dial on the importance of the holidays if they're not super important to you, and maybe they are important to you, but they're really stressful, and a lot has been sort of covered over because of the family dynamics, the dysfunction going with our name.
[24:06] Sarah: Right.
[24:06] Abby: Reclaim. Are there parts of the holidays that you really used to love or maybe still do love, but there's like something standing in the way that you want to reclaim and make your own. So if certain types of decorations, you want to really make it your own, but it has like a tinge of family sTuff. I don't know, make a new thing that really resonates for you.
[24:27] Sarah: I love that. And I think for me, what kind of ushered that reclaiming of the holidays in was, of course, having my own kids and being able to start new traditions that felt right for my husband and I and seeing some of the magic that just happens with little kids, with the lights and all of the inflatables and all of the things, it's just special and we can really make it our own on what we focus on. And actually, one of my intentions is always to remember it's everyone's holiday, right? It's not just my holiday. I don't really want them to ever think like, oh, it's Mom's holiday. I have to X, Y and Z, like, no, it's theirs, too.
[25:00] Abby: I love that. I love the idea of reclaiming the holidays in a way that you all, as a family unit, want to make it for you. It's just cool that we all have that opportunity to do things differently that make sense for us. And yeah, that feels really invigorating. In a time that can feel really exhausting and stressful, we can take the parts of it that feel really good and nourishing and warm.
[25:26] Sarah: What did we miss? What else?
[25:28] Abby: There's so many different family experiences. We all have so many different family experiences. I find it hard to believe that there's any family out there that doesn't have some kind of challenge or conflict that comes up around the holidays. And yeah, I think the main point is just like, we're not alone in it. And maybe if it feels comfortable, even like, sharing that struggle with someone. Both, I love going back to the both things can be true. We can both find this time of year really hard and challenging, and maybe we can find moments of joy and ease within it. For me, that's spring cleaning in the month of December.
[26:09] Sarah: True. What can I clean out right now? That sounds amazing. Can we get these decorations here? It's too much. Too much.
[26:16] Abby: So fun.
[26:18] Sarah: That feels like a good place to leave off. And I really appreciate you sharing pieces of your story and your wisdom, as always, so appreciated. I hope you enjoy that **** out of your spring cleaning.
[26:34] Abby: Yeah. And the holiday season, too. But, yeah. Thank you for sharing your experiences as well. And as always, such good conversations.
[26:41] Sarah: All right, everybody, we will be back next week with Laura talking about food stuff over the holidays. So stay tuned. And until then, take good care.
[26:52] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim you. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at reclaim you. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma, disordered eating or body image concerns, head over to our website@www.reclaimtherapy.org, to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself.
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