How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
People-pleasing behaviors can often stem from emotionally overwhelming experiences, or trauma.
To stop trying to please everyone, it's important to understand people pleasing from a nervous system perspective.
Let's explore how the nervous system affects our stress, social interactions, and desire for connection.
The nervous system is a network of nerves and cells that transmit signals between different parts of the body.
The autonomic nervous system helps us handle stress.
From a polyvagal theory perspective, it consists of:
The ventral vagal circuit which supports connection to self and others, calm, curiosity, joy and pleasure
The sympathetic nervous system which prepares us for fight or flight
The parasympathetic (dorsal vagal) nervous system which supports rest, relaxation and digestion. And, can serve to immobilize or slow sympathetic energy when there is no way to escape an unsafe situations. In other words, when fight/flight isn’t possible, freezing or fawning is a defense strategy that can help you survive unsafe situations.
Judgment or rejection can trigger the body's fight-or-flight response in social situations. This can make your heart beat faster, make your breaths shorter, and release stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. When people-pleasing behaviors are driven by a deep-seated need for approval and validation, the sympathetic nervous system can become chronically activated, leading to a state of constant stress and hypervigilance.
When people-pleasing behaviors involve cutting off from your own needs or disconnecting from your feelings, you shift into a dorsal vagal (or hypoaroused) pathway, which can leave you feeling chronically exhausted, depleted, disconnected or burnt out.
While people pleasing is a strategy, it can have profound effect on your overall well-being, including increased anxiety, disrupted sleep, disconnection from yourself and others and even physical health issues.
Understanding the impact of people-pleasing on the nervous system helps us understand the underlying motivations for these behaviors.
For many people, people-pleasing is coping mechanism rooted in a basic need for social connection and safety. From an evolutionary standpoint, acceptance within a social group has always been part of survival. That's why our nervous systems are wired to find safety and connection.
In today's society, the pressure to conform and meet others' expectations can trigger the same biological responses that once helped our ancestors survive and navigate the complex dynamics of social groups.
But in today's world, the relentless pressure to perform and belong can lead to an exhausting pattern of seeking external validation. And, a sense of not being able to rest, or feel calm or connected without it.
The relationship between people-pleasing and the nervous system can also be influenced by childhood experiences and attachment patterns.
Neuroscience research has found that our early relationships and experiences affect how our nervous system develops. This, in turn, affects how we deal with stress and interact with others.
For people who grew up in environments where their needs for safety and connection were not consistently met, the nervous system's responses to social interactions can be deeply influenced. This can make someone highly sensitive to rejection or disapproval. It can cause them to constantly seek approval from others to avoid feeling upset.
Recognizing the nervous system's role in people-pleasing behaviors can be an important step in developing more self-awareness and eventually gaining tools to create change. By understanding the physiological roots of these behaviors, you can begin to cultivate a more compassionate and curious attitude toward your responses and interactions with people in your life.
Here are three tips to stop people-pleasing from a nervous system lens:
1. Understand Your Nervous System Responses
People-pleasing often involves a heightened state of arousal or activation in the nervous system. It's essential to understand your own nervous system responses and how they contribute to people-pleasing behaviors.
Start by tuning into your body and noticing when you feel the urge to please others. Do you experience a quickening of your heartbeat, shallow breathing, or muscle tension? Recognizing these physical responses can help you identify when your nervous system is being activated and might give you some space to care for yourself differently.
2. Practice Self-Regulation Techniques
Learning to regulate your nervous system can be instrumental in breaking the cycle of people-pleasing. Use self-regulation techniques daily to calm your nerves and feel safe inside.
Breathing exercises, muscle relaxation, or meditation can calm the body's stress response by soothing the nervous system.
By practicing these techniques often, you can handle stress better and stop feeling the need to please others.
3. Set Boundaries and Honor Your Needs
Establishing clear boundaries and prioritizing your own needs is crucial in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies.
When you feel the pressure to say "yes" to others out of fear or obligation, take a moment to check in with yourself. Ask, "What do I need in this moment?" Setting boundaries involves recognizing and communicating your limits to others, which can feel uncomfortable at first.
By putting your needs first and adjusting commitments respectfully, you show your body that your well-being is important.
Being aware of our bodies helps us control understand the state of our nervous system and use tools to feel more regulated. From a place of regulation, we can ride out the urge to please others.
By tuning into bodily sensations and observing the ebb and flow of your natural responses in social situations, you can develop a greater capacity for self-regulation and self-soothing.
Practicing self-compassion and self-validation can help rewire the nervous system's responses to social interactions. This is another way to create a sense of safety within yourself.
When we feel secure, we can decrease stress in our bodies and have healthier relationships. People build these relationships on respect and personal boundaries.
Therapeutic interventions focused on nervous system regulation can help people who want to stop people-pleasing behaviors. These methods include somatic experiencing, EMDR Therapy and polyvagal theory. With the support of a trauma therapist and these interventions you can start to experience more regulation in your nervous system. This reduces stress and makes you feel safer and more in control when interacting with others.
Understanding people-pleasing from a nervous system perspective helps you develope awareness of your bodily responses and build self-regulation skills. It can also support you in getting curious about your early relationships and patterns of activation in your nervous system that were set early on.
A trauma therapist near me can help you understand your nervous system and learn how to regulate it better.
We want you to know that healing is possible.
If you want to know how to stop pleasing others over yourself, the support of a mental health professional can help. Many people who struggle with people pleasing tendencies report significant stress and anxiety in their daily lives. If you're feeling emotionally drained, feel guilty for setting boundaries, feel resentful toward people in your life, or find yourself avoid conflict at your own expense, EMDR therapy or trauma therapy can help.
Our team of trauma therapists and EMDR therapists are here to witness your true feelings, return to, or stay true to your needs, and start to feel good about how you engage in relationships. We want you to know that recovering from people pleasing is worth your time and energy.
Your needs, your feelings and your ability to trust yourself, with yourself, is so important.
And spending time with people who accept you for you, is unmatched.
🧡,
Reclaim Therapy provides trauma therapy and EMDR Therapy near me.
Our team specializes in therapy for eating disorders, providing PTSD therapy, therapy for childhood trauma and body image counseling. We believe that all people deserve to reclaim their lives from the impact of trauma, disordered eating and body-shame. If you're ready to understand and work through your people pleasing tendencies, we're ready to support you.