Reclaim You- Control in Eating Disorder Recovery
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In this conversation, Sarah and Laura discuss the link between eating disorders and control.
They explore how control can be a response to feeling out of control in other areas of life and how trauma can contribute to disordered eating behaviors.
They emphasize the importance of creating stability and safety in recovery, while also challenging rigid structures and exploring flexibility. They also encourage listeners to reflect on their needs and seek support in their recovery journey.
Takeaways
Eating disorders can be a response to feeling out of control in other areas of life.
Trauma can contribute to disordered eating behaviors.
Creating stability and safety is important in recovery, but it's also important to challenge rigid structures and explore flexibility.
Meal plans can be a starting point for recovery, but it's important to expand trust and safety in one's relationship with food.
Reflecting on needs and building safety are key aspects of recovery.
Seeking support from providers who can offer different approaches to healing is important.
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[00:01] Sarah: Hi there. Welcome to reclaim you, a podcast published by the reclaim therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy, because we're about to dive in. Hey, everyone.
[00:20] Sarah: Welcome back to reclaim you. Laura's here today, and we're dive diving back into eating disorder and body image stuff.
[00:28] Laura: Good to be here today.
[00:29] Sarah: How are things?
[00:30] Laura: We're just keeping going on, right. I shared to some of my clients, they know I have a wedding coming up for me, and we could do a whole episode around events and how that brings up with body image and eating and things like that. But it's a good opportunity to practice the things that I've learned along the way.
[00:56] Sarah: Yeah. Back to those basics like we talked about. I don't know, however many episodes ago.
[01:00] Laura: But can't keep track.
[01:04] Sarah: Yeah, that'd be a great episode to talk about, especially weddings. Weddings bring up so much stuff. And even, I think the theme of today's podcast, control, like the idea of control and the desire to control outcomes or a look or whatever it is in wedings, we could definitely talk about that.
[01:23] Laura: We could do a lot with that, for sure. Yeah. What does it mean to want to control? And are you really wanting to control the thing that you're trying to control, or is this about something else?
[01:33] Sarah: Yeah, that's the question. That's the question. And I had thought about this topic for conversation because I kept seeing over and over again this idea that when asked, what are eating disorders? Like, what are at the root of eating disorders? And the response I kept seeing over and over again, even on Instagram, we talk about control all the time, that eating disorders are like a method of control. Control. And I was kind of like, okay, like, enough about the control. Enough about the control. Let's just peel it back a little bit and control, maybe. Sure. Some of the time, I don't know. But what else is it with eating disorders and body image stuff that make people think that it's all about control? That's what we're talking about today.
[02:21] Laura: Yeah, let's do it.
[02:23] Sarah: So where should we start?
[02:25] Laura: Well, let's just start with what is out there, right? And this comes up, and, I mean, there's some truth to it. This idea that when we begin to focus on eating and controlling our eating and being very hyper focused on that, that in a way, we are trying to gain control in some way, shape or form. But again, is it about that control. I think it's more about where do I feel out of control in my life? Or where have I had experiences that have led me to eat in such a way? I mean, I might not even be aware that this is a problem. Right. If we think about our families of origin. Right. And the ways that we were taught to eat, not everyone is taught to.
[03:11] Sarah: Eat in the same way.
[03:12] Laura: Intuitive eating is not something that is easily taught. I think a lot of families, people would tell you what is that we just ate at the appointed times. Right. We just showed up and we ate. Yeah. So I think that there's so many factors to be considered. Certainly your experiences with availability of food, accessibility to food, the types of food that you were able to access.
[03:43] Sarah: So there's a lot there, definitely. And even I would imagine that some people growing up have felt maybe controlled by their parents, caregivers, whoever it is, in terms of like, you have to finish your plate before you get dessert or before you get up from the table, or whatever it is, whatever the narrative was. And again, placing that back on them, feeling like you have no agency. Right. You have no agency or autonomy or ability to make decisions with your food. And so you learn to behave in certain ways. Yeah.
[04:16] Laura: And in a way, it's the behavior or those responses to those experiences that really is in control. You're not in control. If we want to think about it that way, does that make sense? And so the real work for recovery is getting beneath the surface of what's really behind all of this, what's at the root of this, what is leading us to engage with food, with body in these ways, and then how do we tend to that?
[04:46] Sarah: And even the idea of control, I'm thinking from the nervous system perspective too, the idea of control and just the hyper vigilance around that. And if we think of it in a survival response, like maybe some fight energy or maybe even some flight energy to get away from something, or either one of those can be tracked with hyper vigilance. So looking at flipping it on its head, a little bit of looking at, okay, so there's hyper vigilance. So there's maybe some fight, maybe some flight going on. What is it that's causing that? That's triggering that reaction internally? And I don't think it's like, oh, I have no control, maybe I don't feel safe. Right, exactly.
[05:29] Laura: Yeah. I mean, it's a trauma response, right? In a way, that hyper vigilance, that fight or flight, I mean, we're responding to some sort of trauma some sort of something that's happened. And maybe I don't have agency, maybe I don't have power in a situation, but also maybe there are all of these horrible feelings or experiences that I've had that I can't sit with because it's too much. And so food becomes a way to disconnect from that, to mask, to focus elsewhere, instead of looking at what's really at the heart of my struggle.
[06:03] Sarah: Absolutely. I think about for myself my last kind of iteration of eating disorder behaviors. And on the surface, I likely would have said, oh, yeah, turning towards movement and turning towards food was a mechanism of control. Maybe back then I would have said that because I was in a really toxic work environment and things just didn't feel great, when really, I think what it was was that that offered those behaviors, that structure, the rigidity, offered some containment that felt much more safe than all the **** that was coming in elsewhere.
[06:36] Laura: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And if we think about it that way, like containment, there is a steadiness about it, a stability. Right. Like, if I'm involved, engaging in habits day in and day out, I know what it is I'm going to do. Like, if I know this is how I eat, this is the exact meals. People have very specific routines and engage with food in those ways. And exercise, too. You're right. It does create that sense of stability that might be lacking elsewhere. Like a sense of, like, okay, this is a place where I feel like I know what is coming. I know how to manage this, how to tolerate this. And that other stuff can't get in here. Yeah.
[07:16] Sarah: Which reduces some of the hyper vigilance right to an end at some point. I'm sure it doesn't feel as containing as it does, maybe painful, or else no one would ever recover. Right. But that safety of knowing that, okay, this is okay, I'm okay.
[07:32] Laura: Here I am. Okay. Which may or may not have anything to do with control.
[07:36] Sarah: Totally.
[07:37] Laura: Yeah. The heart of this is we feel unsafe in our bodies. We don't trust ourselves with food in our bodies. There's this complete uprooting, upheaval. And for some of us, those roots were never in place in the first place. Right. So that is a vulnerable feeling to be just floating around. And then you are subjected to a world of diet culture constantly. Maybe. Yeah. You're subjected to family members who like to make comments or who are trying to tell you in the almond mom world that you have to eat this way, particularly and not this way. And so all of that stuff there's so many factors at play. Yeah. That to say, okay, well, let's just take control back in other parts of your life, and then you're good, is really not at all getting at recovery.
[08:30] Sarah: Absolutely. It's like different ripples of the same. I don't know, rock pond, that's not an analogy, but I made it up. You know what I mean?
[08:38] Laura: I get it. It's just a false belief, right? Because the reality is that when we are recovering in any way, shape, or form, it really isn't about. It's about building up tolerance, right? It's about resourcing myself with those things that I need to manage whatever might come at me. It's about being able to live in uncertainty in a more grounded way. And to feel that I can create some safety in that certainty for myself. Right. And in eating disorder recovery, that I can create that safety in a way that's different from controlling food or controlling exercise or control gives the sense that once I have full control, that I know what's coming when and blah, blah, blah. Well, that's hyper vigilance. That's not just like you said, right. And it's a false sense of security to think that you would have any control over what's coming down the pike, and none of us does. We don't know on any given day what might come. And that's not to make us all, like, anxious all the time, but those of us who've had opportunities to sort of be exposed to that, to learn how to negotiate that, manage that, regulate our emotions around that, whether it's through recovery work, whether it's just. We had good role models growing up. It's less of an issue, right? Like, we kind of roll with it, whereas there's others of us who we've never had that opportunity. We didn't have good role models. People in our families didn't deal with emotions or they freaked out in big ways, and there was all this dysregulation. And so that we need to. Recovery is about learning, and the safe space becomes the space with therapists, right, or with your other providers that becomes the container and the safe space that takes place of those behaviors you might have been engaging in before.
[10:39] Sarah: And it's just making me think about a question that we got on Instagram that someone had asked that we answer. So the question on Instagram was how to find the boundary between external control being helpful versus harmful. For example, meal plans. Imagining that this person may be working with a team, maybe a dietitian or a therapist, who knows? But how it can feel like exerting control when you have a meal plan, and I wonder, is it control? Does it help you feel contained? How is it serving you? Right. Like on the surface, yes, it feels more in control. But when you get underneath that, what does that sense of control, how does it land inside of you? What does it make meaning about you? By following this meal plan, does that make sense?
[11:30] Laura: Yeah. I have issues with meal plans in general, right. Because I think as an intuitive eating person, they can become problematic. They also set a bar, a standard that if we're not meeting it because we're in recovery and we're human beings, feel ******, and it can lead us back into a spiral of shame sometimes we need some structure, certainly especially those folks who are coming in and really need to be refd in a lot of ways. They need to just get enough into their bodies. But I'll hear clients say to me about meal plans, because folks will talk about like, well, I don't understand why this intuitive eating dietitian is not telling me what I need to be eating. They're not giving me the meal plan. And that's not about control. It's about for them. It's like, I need to be held accountable. I need something that I can be held accountable to, because otherwise I don't know what to do, and then I can't trust myself. Right. I get how that can get a control, right. But it really is at the heart of it. What are you learning if you're just following this rubric that's all externalized internally? If you're just following a meal plan internally, what are you learning about tolerance when pure foods come up? What are you learning about listening to your hunger cues and responding to them? What are you learning about those fullness cues? What are you learning about your likes and dislikes, your preferences for food? Where can any of that work take place if you're just following this map?
[13:05] Sarah: Definitely. And I think there's especially for folks who may be having a relapse in their eating disorder or new to recovery or just struggling. Maybe it's a season of struggle that I'm coming back to. The idea of containment, the containment of having some structure to lean on when everything else feels like a free fall feels so much different than grasping for this idea of control through rigidity of a meal plan, which that flexibility, I think, helps us lean into what our bodies are telling us, how we can trust ourselves, how we can stay fed enough to understand the nuances of our hungers. And our cravings and things like that.
[13:47] Laura: Yeah. And we can create structure that's flexible. Right. Which I think is what you're getting at. Right. So, for instance, some of our clients are on medications that might limit their ability to really listen to their hunger and to respond to it. And generally speaking, those are medications we would work with folks to say, do you really need this? But if it's something they need and it's been determined, then we might need to create some structure around. Okay, if you are going to be more disconnected from that hunger queue, how do we create some structure in your day where you can check in and really listen and where you can make sure like, oh, I haven't been hungry for several hours now, but my body still needs food. And I'm thinking about like ADHD meds, where some people, in order to function, they absolutely need them, but there's this side effect. And so that can mess up some of our sense of intuiting what our body needs. So we need to create some structure. Like in the beginning, let's set alarms every this many hours and let's just check in and really start to listen. And can I even sense or do I need to eat? I need to make sure these are the hours of the day that I'm getting food into me, or I know that during the day when my medicine is taking more effect, I might eat less, but that at night I'm going to eat more. And that doesn't mean it's a binge.
[15:07] Sarah: It's just you following the lead of your body. Right. And the structure, the structure containment of whatever that is, is supporting you to do that. Right?
[15:17] Laura: Yeah. Whatever structure you and your providing team come up with that works for you. And we have to be flexible around that too, because the same structure, the same ways of being and doing don't work for everyone. But a surefire way that maybe you're being invited to think differently is when you're getting really frustrated because you're not being told what you need to be eating, you're not being given a meal plan and go out seeking someone else who's going to work with you to just, or exchanges or any of that stuff that we see in programs. So what I would be curious about if that came up in session is, oh, interesting. So let's talk a little bit more about this frustration that you're having. What is this really about? I feel out of control. There's all this stuff, it's not contained. I need something to help me contain it. And this makes the most sense. But that's not the answer.
[16:06] Sarah: Back to that. Containment and safety. What I'm reading between the lines there is like, I don't feel safe doing this without the structure, the rigidity. Right. And again, that's part of recovery, is learning to regulate and ride the waves of feeling like you need to do something, you need to fix, you need more information, all of those things. And coming back to number one, communicating your needs and getting really curious about how this is landing and working with your support team around that, finding other.
[16:39] Laura: Options to really get at. What are the real needs here? And are there various options available to me? Can I start to explore and be curious about maybe if I try this, how would that be? Can I step into some discomfort knowing that I have the support of my team and that this is a gradual process of recovery? It's not like some of my clients are like, oh, my gosh, you're going to tell me I have to this day? No. Right. Your relationship with food in your body is your relationship. I'm here to help you expand what your experience has been, to be curious about what else might be there, to flexibly allow yourself to try some new ways of being and doing, and to give you support around that. Because inevitably, yes, if you're trying something for the first time after years of having this container of control, if you will, it's not going to be easy at first, right? A meal plan is just a substitute for the old way of containment. It's the same thing, just with a different name versus looking at more flexible aspects of what it means to be in recovery, allowing oneself to. There are times I'm going to eat more than others and that's going to be really uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean that I have to now come back to the restrictive mindset and behaviors. Right? I can live and tolerate this space and eventually trust. One of the things I remember with my dietitian, and I know this comes up for a lot of my clients, is she was like, no. That fear food that you have, I want like you to have a lot of it, right?
[18:19] Sarah: When does this stop?
[18:20] Laura: When do you tell me what I actually should be eating? And until I realized that that wasn't the end goal, I had to live with all of that discomfort and I had to move through it, but I learned to tolerate it. And then eventually I was like, whoa, those cookies that I used to not even be able to keep the box in the cabinet for more than a couple of days, if that they've been in there for like a month. And I forgot about them because I'm allowed to access them whenever I want. There's this freedom from control, this freedom from rigidity in which we learn to find security and safety, but that takes time and practice.
[18:57] Sarah: And I think if you're someone who is following a meal plan, to use it as a way to step into some expansion, to use it to uphold you in your recovery, absolutely nothing wrong with that. And to use it to push when you're ready to push, growing through some of those edges of the meal plan, or growing with the meal plan, whatever, however that might look for you. Because that way you can start to experiment with what makes you feel super uncomfortable, what makes you feel like you're losing control. And if we replace control with, like, okay, if it wasn't about control, what would it be? And I would venture to say, like, a lack of trust in yourself, a lack of safety, a lack of containment. All of those things that we've talked about, how can you start to address those more underlying issues while also being upheld by what you have in the here and now? There's so many ways to come at that, but it feels important to use it as something, as a starting point and to grow with it outside of it, to learn how to feel dysregulated when something gets added or shifted or whatever it is, and learn how to cope that. Because that's what probably normal eating is going to look like at some point.
[20:09] Laura: Yeah. And there are some days when we are more living in that intuitive eating world, if you will, that normal quote unquote eating world. What is the definition of normal for all of us? It's different. And the beauty of this is you get to discover and recreate your relationship with food or with your body or with exercise. It's not the relationship that was modeled for you by your mom or your dad or someone else. It's not the relationship that diet culture tells you you should have. And so it's really, in a way, it takes time to develop safety in any relationship and trust, and we can think about, that's what's happening in our relationship with ourselves as we're in recovery. I'm not going to trust myself right away because I've been struggling for years. And the thing beneath the thing is that I don't like myself. I don't think I'm worthy. There's a variety of things that are beneath the thing. And so I don't want to say we never use meal plans. We do. Or we use aspects of structure in that way. But over time, we need to start to challenge ourselves to, as you said, expand beyond them and learn that, oh, wow. Okay, so yesterday it was a really long workday, and maybe I didn't really get to sit down to a true lunch, and I didn't really have a snack like I probably needed. Right. So let me reflect on that. And so I ate more last night. Okay, so I don't need to then turn that into, oh, my gosh, I'm a terrible person. How could I do this? I messed up my whole recovery. Right. We have the tendency because we get dysregulated, then all those emotions come up for us and thoughts, but instead, when we're more regulated, when we have more of a sense of safety in this expanded container of recovery, to say, okay, so what did I learn from yesterday? I need to make sure I have more snacks on hand at work. I need to be checking in more often. If I get hyper focused on projects, do I set an alarm, say, okay, after 2 hours, I need to check in, I need to eat something. There's a variety of ways, and that requires us to really spend some time reflecting, spend some time looking at what are my needs that are not being met right now. And maybe that's the place for me to step in and really offer myself something that isn't about trying to control anything in my life. It's about trying to give myself what it is that I'm worthy of. And what it is my body needs to function.
[22:40] Sarah: And I think to add, to start to feel what it feels like, to feel little corners or glimmers of safety in your body. Whether you're in recovery or really struggling or struggling with body image, whatever it is, I think it does, it comes back to those places of, maybe it's not that you need control, maybe it's that you need more safety, more containment, more belief of enoughness and worthiness in yourself.
[23:06] Laura: Yeah. And it's not something we teach. It's not something that you're like, okay, here's how you have safety in your body. Go get. That's not the way this therapy works. It's okay. So we're going to step into this thing, and we're going to do this together when you're ready. And we're going to work with the dysregulation. And the more that our bodies sort of pendulate right from that dysregulated state, and then we're able to bring it back to that state of safety, the more that the body begins to trust. Oh, wait a minute. I don't always have to live here and live here, too. And this feels really good. And then once I know, have that glimmer of safety. Okay, well, how do we connect with that in other ways? How do we expand that in other ways and to step into some more maybe challenges around that in terms of changing and shifting behavior or thought what have you, and being able to process that as well is really important to talk about it, not just have sort of a knee jerk reaction to say, well, that sucked, I'm never doing that again. Which, that's a way to shut it down. And in a way, maybe you're trying to contain again in what you know, but in doing so, we're not allowing ourselves to grow into what it is we need.
[24:20] Sarah: Yeah. So an invitation to get curious about when the thought pops up for clients, for therapists, clinicians, whoever it is, when the thought pops up of, like, this is all about control. I think the invitation is to get really curious about what the control might be. The umbrella for, for sure.
[24:40] Laura: What is this the umbrella for? And is this really what I think it is? I think often in order to survive, we tell ourselves stories. We develop narratives that give us a sense of that which we find safe and secure. And this is really about shifting that narrative. And you're right. Curiosity leaning in, a lot of safety built in and around it. But again, that safety, not coming from the old habits and ways of being, doing the safety then becomes about building safety with our providers, our relationships, and then within ourselves.
[25:15] Sarah: Yeah. Anything else you feel like you'd like to add?
[25:18] Laura: I would say I want folks to honor where they're at on that journey. Right. If you're still working with a meal plan, there's no need to feel shameful about that. But if you're working with someone who isn't necessarily offering any other conduit out of that, maybe to ask about that with your provider, like, listen, is this going to be a forever thing or is there more here? And. Or finding a provider who might be able to offer those types of ways of learning how to heal our relationship with our bodies without having to have these rigid structures in place to do so.
[25:54] Sarah: Well, thank you so much for indulging me in this conversation.
[25:58] Laura: You're welcome. Yeah, thank you.
[25:59] Sarah: I appreciate it. And let us know if anything comes up as you listen or watch, however you're tuning in, let us know what comes up and we're happy to follow up whatever you need. But in the meantime, we will be back next week for another episode. So until then, take good care.
[26:17] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of reclaim you. Be sure to like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at reclaim you. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma, disordered eating or body image concerns, head over to our website at ww reclaimtherapy.org to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself.
Reclaim therapy provides trauma focused eating disorder therapy in Pennsylvania.
We’re passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from diet culture, body shame and the impact of trauma.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.