5 Ways Perfectionism Is Getting in the Way of Healing (And What to Do Instead)
If you’ve working through recovery, whether from trauma, an eating disorder, or years of feeling like you had to hold it all together, there’s a good chance you’ve bumped into perfectionism.
Not the kind that just wants a neat planner or matching file folders (but gosh, those are nice too!). But, the kind that whispers:
You’re not allowed to rest.
You should be further along by now.
You’re probably doing healing wrong.
Perfectionism isn’t a personality quirk.
It’s a deeply learned survival strategy, especially for those of us who grew up needing to be “easy,” hyper-independent, or emotionally self-contained just to stay safe.
And while it might have helped you function in the chaos, in healing, it often can get in the way.
Understanding what perfectionism is, and how it operates behind the scenes, can essential to healing.
Let’s break down five specific ways perfectionism blocks recovery, plus what you can actually do about it.
What is Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism isn’t about having high standards or wanting to do well. It’s about a part of you that learned: If I do everything right, maybe I’ll be safe. Maybe I’ll be loved. Maybe I won’t be abandoned. That being perfect is the only way to avoid harm, rejection, or shame.
Perfectionism often functions as a protector part. It manages risk, prevents vulnerability, and tries to keep old wounds from being touched. But in recovery, especially in somatic therapy, EMDR, or parts-based work, it can become a barrier instead of a shield.
Here’s how it tends to show up:
1. Perfectionism Confuses 'Progress' With Control
What it looks like:
You track your healing like a checklist: No panic attacks = progress. Binge-free = success. (You might find this helpful: Why Calm Isn't the Only Sign of Healing, which unpacks what true regulation looks like beyond stillness.)
You shame yourself when symptoms resurface.
You assume you're failing if you "go backward."
What’s actually happening: This part of you equates control with safety. It monitors your recovery for signs of mastery, but trauma healing doesn’t work that way. It’s not linear, and it’s not a test. Progress often looks like revisiting familiar pain with more capacity, not less pain overall.
What to do instead:
Track nervous system capacity, not just symptoms.
Use reflection tools like a Micro-Moment Tracker to note when you stayed present, noticed a pattern, or made a new choice.
Normalize spirals: looping back around is often a sign your system trusts you with deeper healing. It means you now have more capacity to process what once overwhelmed you, and that your nervous system is inviting you to integrate the next layer rather than avoid it. Revisiting something doesn’t mean you’re stuck, it means your system is still working, still healing, still moving.
2. Perfectionism Keeps You in Performance Mode in Therapy
What it looks like:
You intellectualize instead of feel.
You try to bring the "right" things to sessions.
You avoid showing the parts of you that feel ashamed, scared, or overwhelmed.
What’s actually happening: Perfectionism is often fused with high-functioning anxiety and complex PTSD symptoms. A part of you believes it’s safer to be impressive than honest. But this keeps the deeper, more vulnerable material from being accessed or processed.
What to do instead:
Notice when you're performing healing versus experiencing it.
Practice saying, "There's something I’m scared to bring in. Can we go slow?"
Remember: your value in therapy isn’t based on insight. It’s based on your willingness to show up.
3. Perfectionism Blocks Affect Tolerance
What it looks like:
You avoid strong feelings by staying busy or in control.
You feel ashamed or flooded when emotions surface.
You believe that feeling dysregulated means something’s wrong.
What’s actually happening: Your system likely developed a phobic relationship to emotion. Perfectionism stepped in to help you manage that overwhelm, but now it prevents you from accessing your full emotional range.
What to do instead:
Build emotional capacity with somatic therapy tools: name the feeling, locate it in your body, then return to a grounded anchor.
Practice somatic titration: track a body sensation for 10 seconds, then regulate.
Let feeling be data, not danger.
4. Perfectionism Blocks You From Rest and Regulation
What it looks like:
You feel guilty when you rest.
You over-identify with doing. Recovery feels like a task list.
You assume regulation = staying calm 100% of the time.
What’s actually happening: Many trauma survivors associate stillness with threat. If your early environment was chaotic, movement may have become your default regulation strategy. Rest now feels exposed.
What to do instead:
Redefine what nervous system regulation actually means: staying connected to yourself—not forcing calm.
Try 30-second stillness practices: feel your feet, place a hand on your chest, take one conscious breath.
Build a tolerance for rest the same way you would for any exposure practice: slowly, and with compassion.
5. Perfectionism Delays Grief Work
What it looks like:
You minimize your losses or pain: “It wasn’t that bad.”
You push through instead of slowing down.
You avoid naming the grief underneath the behaviors.
What’s actually happening: Grief is a non-performative process. It requires emotional vulnerability and deep internal permission. Perfectionism resists that. It wants a clean exit ramp instead of an unfolding process. (Want to read more about Grief? Head here.)
What to do instead:
Identify where grief is showing up: in your body, your story, your silence.
Create space for grief rituals: writing, movement, sound, or simply naming what was lost.
Let someone witness it with you. Grief metabolized in relationship is what transforms it.
If you’re here, we want you to know that we deeply respect that perfectionism likely helped you survive (we can 100% relate!!).
Meet the Reclaim Therapy team! Specializing in trauma recovery, somatic therapy, and eating disorder healing.
It gave you structure when things felt chaotic, and a sense of control when the world didn’t feel safe. But if it’s now keeping you from accessing support, from feeling your feelings, or from trusting your own pace, you get to choose something different.
Healing asks for presence, not perfection.
Noticing, not performing.
Gentleness, not mastery.
You don’t have to get this right to move forward. You just have to be willing to meet yourself where you are, and take the next small step from there.
If you’re looking for support as you explore recovery from perfectionism, trauma or disordered eating, or through EMDR Therapy in Horsham, PA we would be honored to support you.
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