How to Build Self-Trust (Especially After Trauma and Emotional Neglect)
You know that feeling when you’re standing in front of the cereal aisle, frozen, because you can’t decide which box to buy? Or when someone asks what you want for dinner and your brain just… blanks?
That kind of freeze isn’t always about being indecisive. Sometimes it’s what happens when your ability to trust yourself has been chipped away over years of feeling unseen or dismissed.
Most of us were never taught how to build self-trust.
And if you grew up with emotional neglect or trauma, you probably learned the opposite: that your feelings were “too much,” your needs weren’t valid, and your safest bet was to second-guess yourself into oblivion.
You probably learned to look outside yourself for permission, validation, and proof that you weren’t completely wrong about everything.
This post will walk you through what self-trust actually is, why trauma makes it so hard to rebuild, and a step-by-step practice to start choosing yourself without the guilt spiral that usually follows.
What Is Self-Trust?
Self-trust is the internal belief that you can rely on your own feelings, needs, and decisions. It’s not about being right all the time. It’s about knowing that even when you mess up, you’ll figure it out, you won’t abandon yourself.
It’s the foundation of self-esteem, confidence, and feeling safe in your relationships.
Without it, you’re constantly outsourcing your sense of reality to other people. You’re always checking: Is this okay? Am I allowed to feel this? Did I do the right thing?
And honestly? If you’re here you likely already know… that’s exhausting.
How Trauma Breaks Self-Trust
Childhood emotional neglect is chronic misattunement. Caregivers didn’t have to be cruel or abusive. They just had to be absent, dismissive, distracted, or uncomfortable with feelings. It isn’t about what happened, but also what didn’t happen.
So, you might have learned early on: My instincts are wrong. My needs are unsafe. If I want to survive here, I need to shrink.
That belief didn’t just live in your thoughts. It moved into your nervous system, shaping your automatic responses.
As an adult, you may:
Overthink every decision
Feel guilty after setting a boundary
Apologize for things that aren’t your fault
Second-guess yourself even when you know you’re right
That’s not a flaw. That’s trauma doing its job: keeping you small and “safe” in an environment that couldn’t handle your fullness.
How to Build Self-Trust Step by Step
Rebuilding self-trust isn’t about forcing confidence. It’s about creating new experiences that teach your nervous system: I can listen to myself. I can choose for myself. I will be okay.
Here’s where to start:
Step 1: Start with Micro-Decisions
Big choices feel impossible when you don’t trust yourself. Start small.
What do you want for lunch? Do you need a break right now? What do you want to wear today?
These aren’t trivial, they’re practice rounds.
Choose something, then name it out loud: “I’m choosing this because it feels right for me.”
You’re not looking for the “right” choice. You’re looking for your choice.
Step 2: Anchor in Your Body
Trauma teaches us to disconnect from our bodies because our bodies hold the feelings we weren’t allowed to have. Healing self-trust means coming back.
Try this: Place one hand on your chest. Take a slow exhale. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?”
Don’t rush the answer. Let it bubble up. It might be rest. It might be water. It might be five minutes alone in the bathroom.
This practice re-teaches your nervous system that the body’s cues are safe. That you can listen without judgment. That your needs aren’t dangerous.
Step 3: Expect the Guilt Voice
Here’s the thing nobody tells you: when you start choosing yourself, the guilt will show up like clockwork.
Who do you think you are? You’re being selfish. You’re going to hurt people.
That voice isn’t the truth. It’s an old alarm system trying to keep you safe in a world that no longer exists.
Reframe guilt as evidence of growth. It means you’re doing something your nervous system isn’t used to. That’s good. That’s different. That’s the whole point.
Step 4: Collect Evidence of Safety
After each decision, pause and check in. Journal it if that helps.
What happened? Am I okay? What did I learn?
You’re building a track record your brain can’t ignore. You chose the salad instead of the sandwich, and nothing bad happened. You said no to the extra shift, and you didn’t get fired. You set a boundary with your mom, and the world didn’t end.
Each piece of evidence weakens the old belief. Slowly, your brain starts to realize: Oh. Maybe I can trust me after all.
Step 5: Stretch into Bigger Choices
Once you feel steady with small decisions, start expanding. Set a boundary in a relationship. Speak up at work. Choose rest over productivity.
The practice is the same. You’re just increasing the stakes.
And yes, it’s going to feel uncomfortable. But discomfort isn’t the same as danger. Your body is learning the difference.
Healing Self-Trust in Trauma Recovery
Rebuilding trust in yourself is layered work. It’s not just cognitive. It’s somatic, relational, and deeply tied to your nervous system.
Therapies that help: EMDR Therapy, somatic experiencing, parts work.
Relationships: Surrounding yourself with people who support your choices.
Reality: Some days you’ll feel steady, other days doubt will return. That doesn’t mean failure. It means you’re human.
Rebuilding Self-Trust After Trauma is Possible
Self-trust doesn’t return overnight. But each small, repeated choice in your favor is a brick in a new foundation.
With time, the old self-doubt loosens its grip. The guilt gets quieter. The overthinking softens.
And you begin to feel safe in your own skin again.
That’s not just healing. That’s coming home.
If you’re looking for a trauma therapist who can walk with you through your homecoming, we’d be honored to help. Schedule your free consultation to get started.
🧡,
Reclaim Therapy is a trauma therapy practice in Horsham, PA that specializes in providing EMDR Therapy, Therapy for Complex PTSD and Eating Disorder Treatment.
If you’re looking for a trauma therapist near me who can support you in rebuilding trust and renegotiating childhood trauma or childhood emotional neglect, we are so glad that you found us. We are passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from the impact of trauma. Ready to get started?