Reclaim You- Body Image, Dating and Relationships
Like, follow and leave us a comment on YouTube, Apple Podcasts or Spotify!
In this conversation, Sarah and Casey discuss different layers of body image and relationships.
They dive into the impact of body image on dating, discussing societal pressures and the challenges of online dating.
The conversation also explores the challenges faced in long-term relationships, including changes in attraction and body image. They emphasize the importance of self-compassion and open communication in navigating these issues. Overall, the conversation highlights the complexity of body image and relationships in today's society.
The conversation explores the difficulties of dating and relationships, emphasizing the challenges faced in various types of relationships. It highlights the importance of self-compassion and externalizing the problems rather than blaming oneself. The role of platforms in facilitating connections and relationships is also acknowledged.
Takeaways:
Body image can have a significant impact on dating and relationships, with societal pressures and biases playing a role.
Navigating dating apps can be challenging, and it's important to set boundaries and prioritize self-care. In long-term relationships, bodies and attractions may change over time, and open communication is crucial.
Self-compassion and challenging cultural influences are key in developing a healthy body image and maintaining fulfilling relationships.
Dating and relationships can be challenging in various ways.
It is important to have self-compassion and externalize the problems rather than blaming oneself.
Thanks for listening to Reclaim You with Reclaim Therapy!
To learn more about Reclaim Therapy and how to work with a therapist on the team, head to https://www.reclaimtherapy.org.
Be sure to comment, like and subscribe here, or on YouTube and come follow along on Instagram!
-
[00:01] Sarah: Hi there. Welcome to reclaim you, a podcast published by the reclaim therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy, because we're about to dive in.
[00:19] Sarah: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to reclaim you. Casey is here, and we're talking body image and relationships.
[00:28] Casey: What a fun one.
[00:29] Sarah: Yeah, it's a tough one.
[00:32] Casey: Yeah. I feel like when I hear those words, just, I'm like. Before we started recording, we were talking about how this might not be a podcast, that you get a lot of answers, because I don't have many, and I don't think Sarah has many. But I hope that in talking about this, we normalize common feelings, common fears, common experiences. Common experiences and trying to take the blame off of ourselves and put it where it should be, which is usually society of some capacity. So, as therapists, I think we talk a lot about dating, relationships, marriages, all that kind of stuff, and the problems and challenges and confliction that arises. Right. And I think if people themselves struggle with body image, as most of us have at some point in our lives, it's going to impact our relationships. I mean, one of the prime things we learn early on is what's beautiful, what's attractive, what's wanted, whether that's through a magazine or your family or tv shows. I'm thinking even back in the classic novels. Oh, yeah, pride and prejudice, little woman. I think that gender roles have a lot to do with it. Gender assumptions of what a woman should be like and what a man should be like. And it's all way more complex than I think we look at it in the general scope. I guess. So, in talking to clients. I haven't been on a dating app in many years, and I don't even think Tinder was around when I was dating. And I'm kind of glad because I don't think I would use it. Just the concept of swipe left, swipe right. Come on. Right. Like the idea that you see someone's picture. Right? Which, just to reiterate, a picture is just a snapshot in time. It's not a person. It's literally a snapshot reflection of a point in time that somebody passes a huge judgment call on that. Right. So what does that communicate to people? That that photo needs to be the best. Right. It needs to be your best. Foot forward. Perfect. Right. Which usually falls into two categories that I've seen, which is putting photos that are severely edited, severely manipulated, putting older photos. Right. And then I have this common theme that I come across, which is the fear of, if you are to interact with somebody, what are they going to think when they meet me?
[03:38] Sarah: Yeah.
[03:38] Casey: Right. Which is an understandable fear. Right. Like, what happens? Are they going to notice? Are they going to comment? Are they going to ghost me? Which again, is this rejection piece, which every human being. Every human being hates being rejected.
[04:00] Sarah: Of course.
[04:03] Casey: If you are thinking you are the only person who feels like your gut is on the floor when you get rejected, please know that you are part of the 100% population. It's a human innate need to feel wanted, to feel connected. And when that connection cuts off, that's dismantling, even when you don't know somebody. So then I start to have these conversations with people of, like, why do you feel like you need to edit those? What about you as a person? That snapshot in time. What is wrong with that? Then getting into the conversation of societal pressures. Right. They're going on social media, they're going on dating apps, and they don't feel like what they have to offer is good enough. Which breaks my heart. Breaks my heart. I mean, to think that somebody, because of a snapshot or who you are on the external is not good enough is what we try to dismantle and repair in the work that we do. But what do you do in the meantime? It sucks. Dating sucks.
[05:18] Sarah: Sure does.
[05:19] Casey: Yeah. In 2024, I don't think anybody is that excited about it.
[05:25] Sarah: Yeah, that's for sure.
[05:27] Casey: Let alone societal pressures of getting married and having children and timelines and this and that, where there's a combination of this rush to be connected for these societal milestones in combination with. Is somebody going to want that with me? I mean, I definitely had some dating app experiences in my life on both sides of the spectrum.
[05:56] Sarah: Do tell.
[05:58] Casey: So back in the day, there was this wonderful app called plenty of fish.
[06:04] Sarah: Plenty of fish. Yes, I've heard of that one.
[06:08] Casey: Good one. I mean, the app sucked. It was so old school. And I digress. Story for another day. But I remember starting to use it, I don't know, in early college years, and just thinking of the messages, like the themes of the messages I was getting right, which was a combination of on the more positive spectrum and the negative spectrum. Your body, your body. Your body. Your body. Thinking they have claim over my body, thinking that they have the autonomy to share how they feel about it in one way or another, which I just think looking back at it, it's horrifying. It's horrifying. To think that somebody, society has taught us that we have the right to comment very strong opinions about a stranger. And I almost think that the positive, and I'm using quotes and the negative quotes were not better than one another because they just reiterate this fact that your body is the most important thing about you. I had one person I met in person after we started talking for a while, and I think we had dated for, like, a couple of months. And a couple of months went by and we went on a date, and he was like, you look a bit chunkier. And I was like, probably, what about it? Right? And then, like, a couple dates after that and then ghosting. Right? Which at that time, even me having a pretty strong sense of self and things like that, it's like you can't help but think, okay, so we were dating for a long period of time, noticing my body change, and then the relationship changes totally, right? It reiterates this idea that if I change in any way, shape, or form than what this person found attractive to begin with, then they're going to abandon me. And I can say that that has been an experience of mine totally. But I also have something of the opposite where I did meet my husband on plenty of fish.
[08:36] Sarah: Plenty of fish. Hey, plenty of fish. Success story. All is not lost.
[08:42] Casey: See, there's diamonds in the rough. But I remember clicking on his message because it was a question and a comment that had nothing to do with my outward appearance. I think the question was, if you could travel anywhere in the world, what would it be? And I went, interesting. That was the only message I got in my history of dating that ever was not associated with my outward appearance.
[09:12] Sarah: Wow.
[09:13] Casey: Which I just think is sad but incredible. Something to reiterate is thinking about how you decide who you want to talk to on a dating app. If I could go back in time, I'd be pickier. Obviously, my husband is wonderful, but before that, I would have been pickier in not tolerating certain things for fear of being alone. But that didn't stop body image concerns from happening, right? Even in solid, healthy relationships, we still have those fears. Our bodies change naturally over time through situations, periods in our lives. And even in a healthy, secure relationship, there is that part of us, right? That goes, what if? What if? And I think that is really challenging. Do we keep it under the radar? Do we just pretend it's not happening and just suffer through it? Which I think a lot of people try to do, but then that often comes out in overcompensating in some way or not wanting to be intimate or changes in behavior and all of those things. So it does show up either way. But how do you acknowledge that? That's the thing that I think a lot of people struggle with, and I struggled with myself. That's vulnerable. Right.
[10:52] Sarah: Yeah, I was just going to say that. Right. That's the thing about relationships is they're inherently vulnerable. Right? Like, somebody could leave, whether that's through choice or through not choice, it's still really vulnerable. You could very well get hurt. And especially if you're coming from difficult life experiences before this relationship or before any relationship, there are all these little fractures internally. Right. That can get really inflamed in certain circumstances. So even the thought of sharing, like, oh, I'm having a really hard time with the way that I see my body or the way that I live in my body, it can be like, oh, if I point it out, what if they see it? And then what if that's not good? And then what if they leave? Or if I say it, what if they say, oh, yeah, I've noticed some changes. What are we going to do about it? Right. Because that's harmful too.
[11:44] Casey: Yes. I think even in my own head of trying to conceptualize this, I get overwhelmed because there's so many parts that I like the word that you used, inflamed, like, a lot of parts can get inflamed. And even the part of us that feels scared to share things or how we've responded to being vulnerable in the past, which is a lot of stuffing sometimes. Or reacting or not way or.
[12:20] Sarah: Not being at all.
[12:21] Casey: Which, vulnerable. Exactly. And in those connected relationships. Right. That impacts the other person. Right. They're feeling that energy. And there's also this helplessness that I think I've experienced, and I'm sure a lot of people have experienced in relationships where somebody doesn't know how to help, they do the. Oh, but I think you're blank, blank, blank. Which I think is what, the most common. But if I think that way, doesn't that change the way you perceive yourself? Unfortunately, no.
[13:00] Sarah: Right.
[13:00] Casey: No, because it's an internal voice. It's an internal relationship that that is something that someone can take into context and internalize, but maybe they also can't.
[13:13] Sarah: Right.
[13:13] Casey: And in turn, that other person feels defective, or they could feel like they're not being able to help. And so I think the way that I have tried to in my own life about any vulnerabilities, but body image, of course, is to say, like, hey, I have something that I want to share, but I'm scared to talk about it. How can I feel safe in talking to you about it, right? Or here's what I need from you in talking about it. I don't need you to try and fix it. I don't need you to try and reframe my thoughts. I just need you to listen, or I need you to respect this boundary that I have right now, whether that's the clothing I feel comfortable wearing or intimacy of some sort. To just respect that for right now and to have an open conversation without even getting to the topic, I think can be so beneficial because we run in trying to get that relief, but we didn't put any protections in place. So I think, first and foremost, talking about. Talking about things is my favorite thing to recommend. I mean, we all do it as therapists, right? How do you feel about talking about this thing and not getting too in depth, being able to slow down. And another part of that is being able to check in about it. Like having someone, whether you want that, maybe you don't want somebody to check in about it, maybe you want to be able to go to them about it. And then remembering that since this is an internal journey, to be able to do some reflection on that. Like, are there triggers that are happening or is it normal life circumstances, whether it's through motherhood or different stressors in life, and being able to externalize some of that, to say, okay, there's a part of this that is outside of me, and can I start to be gentle to that impact? Easier said than done, though.
[15:33] Sarah: Yeah, that's for sure. And all along, just remembering the cultural beast that we're up against, right. That anti fat bias is real, right? Alive and well. And so much of this is internalized within us. We don't even realize body image as even a thing in and of itself is filled with anti fat bias. Right. But when we shift to how it feels to live in your body, I mean, that's really scary for a lot of people, right? But when we can shift from the image to being in the body and living from the inside out instead of the outside floating through space, things can start to shift a little bit. But it's a cultural beast that we're up against. And whether that's in partnership or just in scrolling social media, whatever it is, there are these little pockets everywhere. It feels like that just remind us that if you're not in a certain way, then you're not good, pretty healthy, successful, whatever it is. And so it's like this resilience to those messages, the resilience to getting pulled and lured in, acknowledging sometimes that in your partnerships, there's only so much you can do, right. Someone has to be willing to acknowledge where some of their own **** around bodies and beliefs about bodies start and where they end. And we can't do that work for people, but we can ask them to treat us the way that we need to be treated in relationship.
[17:07] Casey: Yeah, you pinned it right there. Because that's kind of what I think I missed a little bit, is, like, also remembering that the person that you're with might not be as educated or as open to the anti diet belief. And that's something to consider, is just like, a lot of other things that we're not educated on due to societal pressures and fear and bias and all of those things. It's all open dialogue, depending on if you've been on this journey or you're thinking about this journey, just like, encouraging to bring your partner into it. My husband knew nothing about anti diet work at all.
[17:58] Sarah: Right.
[17:59] Casey: Yeah, now he's wearing our merch. He talks about intuitive eating. Thinking about that, that might also be an invitation for somebody to heal their stuff, and it could be a journey that you walk through together. And I think that's a beautiful thing because we do that in other areas of our life. We do that with values and religion and humanity and all of these things. But why can't we do it here? Understanding that we can both be vulnerable in thinking about how this has touched us. And I have lots of conversations with my husband about back in the day and how much diet culture impacted us as children and as high school and college and even dating, where it changed our perception of love and all these things. We wouldn't have those conversations if we didn't open the door. I didn't open the door of like, hey, this is what I really believe, and these are things that are strongly close to my values and advocating for that, which includes some confidence, which can be challenging.
[19:10] Sarah: Yeah, certainly.
[19:11] Casey: But calling out things like, if your partner makes a comment about somebody else, like, hey, that's not cool, man. What are you doing? And really being able to. Because if they had done it about something else, I would call my husband out. But why wouldn't we be able to call it out for diet culture? So I think in the spectrum of secure, long term relationships, that's easier than doing it in a dating relationship.
[19:42] Sarah: Sure. That's for sure. Yeah.
[19:45] Casey: That is not something that I feel like I would have done right. And I can recognize that. So I also say, give yourself grace.
[19:53] Sarah: Yeah.
[19:56] Casey: If you need to take a break from dating, because that's too triggering for you right now. You offering this general permission in this space to do that. You do not need to continually put yourself out there at a time in your life where you are really trying to do the internal work. You also can totally walk out on a date. I've done it. I've done it. It feels badass just saying.
[20:23] Sarah: I can imagine, like, I'm out.
[20:25] Casey: It feels so good. Feels so good. It wasn't, like, profound. It was like, I went to the bathroom and I paid my house, went out the back. But either way, it still felt good to do. Like, being able to walk away from something, whether it's like your girlfriend calls, hey, I have an emergency, and be able to scoop out. You do not have to waste your time with someone who doesn't value you, who doesn't treat you with respect. And doing that on first few dates, I get a lot of, well, I don't want to even waste my time with dating. And I was like, well, you're also assuming you're spending a two hour dinner date with somebody. You don't have to do that.
[21:11] Sarah: Yeah.
[21:13] Casey: You can make this what you want it to be. You want a 30 minutes coffee date with somebody to just get that vibe.
[21:19] Sarah: See what's going on. Beautiful thing, right? Like, oh, yeah, coffee. Low stakes coffee, in and out. You can always extend it.
[21:26] Casey: Right, exactly. Or let's do this next week or something. Also having a plan in place of if you are triggered. Right? Like, if something goes down, because I'm not going to tell you. It won't. It's happened to me. So I can say, at least based off one person, that dating is the wild, wild west. And get ready. Right. We put our armor on, and I think that's okay. Especially as someone who identifies as a woman and someone who identifies as a plus size woman. That is something that I keep very guarded and had been when I was dating. That if it's anything that you don't like, call it also letting people that you love in your life know what you're doing. You don't have to give them the ins and outs of it. But, hey, I'm going on a date and I'm really nervous. Like, this is what's going on in my brain. Having a plan to spend time with the people that you care about after the date, like, remembering that you have connection and love in your life. Even if that thing goes sour.
[22:33] Sarah: Yeah.
[22:34] Casey: Because really at the inner core of this human, we're looking for connection. We're looking for feeling important and appreciated and wanted. And when it comes down to our nervous system, that can be really healing to have that quick repair, it's not saying it's not going to suck, but the repair of like, hey, I am in connection with people. I am loved, I am valued, and then continuing to do that internal work. Yeah, but dating sucks. Yeah, I said that three times already.
[23:06] Sarah: Yeah. It's so hard. And like I said, I've never been on a dating app. Right. But I've supported a lot of folks who are on dating apps and yeah, it's just awful. It's awful. The experiences, the messages, the ghosting, the this, the list goes on and on and on. And there can be pockets of, even if it's not like, quote unquote successful, meaning like lasting forever, whatever, is anything forever? We could talk about that on a different podcast. But a successful, quote unquote relationship, it can still be healing and being seen and being heard and maybe part ways and cool, whatever. So there are pockets of beauty in it, but it can be really hard, so hard to show up over and over again. And eventually, I think a lot of people have this expectation that it's just going to go this certain way, right? Like we're going to message for a while, we're going to go on a date, it's going to last a couple of dates, and then they're going to ghost me, right? They're going to be gone or something's going to happen and it's going to end. And so it's like feeling like the expectation is like, is it even worth it? And I still want it. Because you're deserving of it. Right? It's another cycle that we can get caught up in. And what feels so important, maybe this is one of the answers, is being really self compassionate with yourself through it all and doing some work, maybe with a therapist of like, there's something coming up. Is there some sort of underlying belief there that you're engaging in similar patterns in relationships, right? Getting really curious about that, whether that's about your body, your deservingness in relationship, any of those self beliefs that are pulling you in, even like attachment wounds, right? Like, how do those play into your quest for relationship or your desire for relationship?
[24:49] Casey: There's so much here, so much which, again, like any of the podcasts that we do that are, well, most of them that are more complex than looking at the surface, is a direct invitation to give yourself compassion. Because, again, shame won't get you into the body that you think you want. Shame is also not going to get you the relationship that you think you want or deserve. It's just going to keep you stagnant and also further instill these beliefs about yourself that are related to something that has nothing to do. It has something to do with you. But it's very little that a lot of the behaviors you see in dating are barely based on some other person's ****.
[25:36] Sarah: Yeah, absolutely.
[25:37] Casey: And whether that's their bias of societal norms or their own discomforts or their own discomfort with vulnerability, whatever. But I also think dating apps aren't for everyone.
[25:50] Sarah: Yeah.
[25:53] Casey: If you want to go old school and you just want to connect with people first, let's start getting comfortable just connecting. Whether that's someone you go to yoga class with or you go to school.
[26:10] Sarah: Bowling league, I don't know why I thought bowling.
[26:14] Casey: Listen, do you know I love bowling. It's one of my favorite activities.
[26:17] Sarah: I didn't know you love bowling.
[26:18] Casey: Oh, my God. It's one of my second. My second date with Chris, I think, loved bowling. It was great.
[26:25] Sarah: Oh, adorable.
[26:26] Casey: I love activity.
[26:29] Sarah: It's something to do on a date. Right.
[26:31] Casey: It's not just staring at each other with dinner in front of you, also picking activities that you want to do. Right. You don't have to have food involved if that is a trigger for you being able to realize that just like anything else in this world, you have the right to create safety around it. You have the right to take your time. You have the right to not rush yourself. You have the right to say no. You have the right to consent to everything you're doing. Right. And I think that's really important, that a lot of the pressure to be in a relationship and follow these societal norms puts a lot of that to the side, which then creates this narrative that you're not important and you are. So, in conclusion, dating sucks. It's the wild, wild west. But what if it also goes right? It's more complicated than it seems. Give yourself grace. Give yourself permission to create safety around it. And I get it. Those dating apps be rough.
[27:40] Sarah: And I'm just thinking, too, real quick, of those folks who are in long term relationships. Right. Because that's my lived experience. My husband and I started dating probably, I think, like, 19 years ago. We've been married for 14 years, so we've been in it for a while now. Right. And similarly, the body is going to change in every season of life. Right. Our focus is going to change in every season of life. Our attraction to our partners are going to change at every season of life. So I think it's just so important to consider some of that as you're navigating dating or you're in a long term partnership that, what's the chemistry? What's the attraction outside of this physical bodysuit that we wear? Because there has to be more. There has to be more because it's going to change. We're all going to get old. We're all going to get injured at some point in our lives. Our bodies are going to change. So how do we stay engaged with our people in a way that feels like is enough, even when you don't super like them in certain seasons of life, because that might happen, too. Relationships are hard, really hard. And you have to find connection elsewhere, too.
[29:01] Casey: Such a good message. Yes. Like, dating is hard, but so are long term relationships. And these, again, societal beliefs that you need to be attracted to your partner the same way the whole time. And if you're not, then that's really concerning. I think remembering that, yes, the stereotype of communication is important is very true. What's working? What's not working. A lot of our behaviors in relationships can also trigger someone's willingness to connect. Right. Which can impact our attractedness to them in that certain moment where it may not be anything to do with the bodysuit we reside in. But you did something that ****** me the heck off last night.
[29:57] Sarah: Right?
[29:57] Casey: I don't even want to look at your body. I don't want to look at the face, the whole thing. I don't want to do it.
[30:02] Sarah: I don't want to feel your energy.
[30:04] Casey: No. Get that energy out of here. No, thank you.
[30:07] Sarah: No. Need some space.
[30:10] Casey: And the longer you're in a relationship, the more often that happens, because accepting that, just like in our relationships with ourselves, we don't always like ourselves. We don't always love ourselves. We get angry at ourselves. We also might get proud of ourselves and be like, yes, I'm vibing with myself today. It's nonlinear, it's fluid, and so normalizing that in every stage of a relationship, that long term relationships stand for many different reasons. And it's not based purely off of body attraction.
[30:44] Sarah: Yeah, absolutely. Intimacy happens just on so many levels. Right. It's like, we got to talk about that more.
[30:51] Casey: Yeah. Podcast episode for another day.
[30:54] Sarah: Totally. We'll have a marriage therapist. Come on. A sex therapist. Come on. Talk all about this.
[31:01] Casey: So fun. That would be so exciting.
[31:05] Sarah: I should start reaching out to people. Or if anyone has a suggestion, let us know, please.
[31:11] Casey: That's so fun.
[31:12] Sarah: All of that to say, right? Dating sucks. Like Casey said, this is really hard. Whether in dating, long term relationships, short term relationships, relationship with yourself. It's a messy, messy thing.
[31:24] Casey: You're not alone in feeling fear or anxiety or all this is going to suck forever. Or I'm the problem. All of those things I know I have felt at a time or two in my life, and it's very normal. You're battling society. That's not fair. But you got to compassion yourself through it as much as you can.
[31:47] Sarah: Yeah, compassion yourself and externalize that ****. Like, that is the problem.
[31:52] Casey: That away.
[31:53] Sarah: You are not the problem. Your body is not the problem. That **** is the problem. Right?
[31:59] Casey: Yes, it is.
[32:00] Sarah: Any parting thoughts?
[32:03] Casey: And thank you. Plenty of fish.
[32:06] Sarah: Sponsored by. Plenty of fish. No, just kidding. Casey's relationship, sponsored by Fish. You paid for it so you'd be sponsoring them. I guess. I don't really know.
[32:20] Casey: No, that was a free one. I didn't pay for free. I paid no money to connect to my husband.
[32:30] Sarah: Well, thank you for your platform, plenty of fish, because Chris is a gem. All right, everybody. Well, if you have any thoughts, any questions for a follow up podcast, happy to take them. Message us on Instagram or email or whatever works. And we'll be back next week for another episode. Next week we're talking to Rachel. She's a dietitian talking all about eating disorders and medical care. Great episode coming your way, so stay tuned and until then, take good care.
[32:59] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of reclaim you. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at reclaim you. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma, disordered eating or body image concerns, head over to our website at www.reclaimtherapy.org to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself. Our.
Reclaim therapy provides eating disorder therapy in Horsham, Pennsylvania, EMDR therapy in Pennsylvania, Trauma Therapy near me and grief counseling in Pennsylvania.
We also provide treatmetn for Complex PTSD, therapy for binge eating, and body image therapy in Horsham, PA.
We’re passionate about helping people reclaim their lives from the impact of trauma, diet culture and body shame.
We would love to support you as you Reclaim YOU and the life that you undeniably deserve.