Reclaim You- Grief During The Holiday Season
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Join us on Reclaim You as Sarah and Casey dive into the complexities of grief during the holiday season.
From the loss of loved ones to the expectations and pressures, they explore the various facets of grief that often go unnoticed. With warmth and understanding, they share insights, stories, and practical tips to help you honor your emotions and find moments of grace during this challenging time.
Grab a comforting drink, and let's navigate the waves of grief together.
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[00:01] Sarah: Hi there.
[00:01] Sarah: Welcome to Reclaim You, a podcast published by the Reclaim Therapy team. Join us as we share stories, tools, and insights on how to reclaim you in the wake of trauma, disordered eating, and body shame. Grab your coffee, tea, or your favorite snack and get cozy, because we're about to dive in.
[00:19] Sarah: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to reclaim you we are officially in the holiday season, and we thought it'd be a good way to start out this season talking about know, heavy, but also very common and normal. And that's grief. Grief in the holiday season, how it shows up, where it shows up so many places. So Casey's here chatting about Grace.
[00:47] Casey: Hey, how you doing?
[00:49] Sarah: Doing okay. How are?
[00:52] Casey: Good.
[00:53] Sarah: Good.
[00:54] Casey: My favorite topic. So I'm ready.
[00:57] Sarah: Yeah. I had a thought yesterday as we were decorating our Christmas tree, and I was pulling out ornaments, right? And I have all of these chocolate lab ornaments. And so for folks who don't know, which probably no one knows except for my clients, we lost our dog in August. And so I'm pulling out all of these ornaments, and I was like, oh, the grief is real. Right. My husband pulled one out. I was like, I don't know if I can look at that every day. And I know that you can relate, too, with a similar experience, but, yeah, I thought of you, and I was like, yeah, the grief is real.
[01:31] Casey: Yes. I'm so glad you brought that up, because I had decorated my Christmas tree, and I have my little cat ornaments, and I had to move my little baby cat's ashes to get everything set up and few tears here and there, for sure. That's just, I think, a really good representation that it's normal.
[01:58] Sarah: Yeah.
[01:59] Casey: Unfortunately, we lost both of our animals and very close to one another.
[02:04] Sarah: We did. Yeah.
[02:05] Casey: I think it's a beautiful thing, as sad as it is. Take some credence in the fact that you have a similar experience, and that's one of the most important things in talking about grief, is realizing that everybody experiences it in one way or another. It may not look the same, it may not be the same loss, but we all feel random bouts of grief and sadness and even a smile here and there. I mean, I looked at those ornaments, and I was like, oh, they're so cute. And I think the holidays is one of those target seasons because it's full of love, it's full of family. It's full of this proposed happiness and tradition and all of those things where we remember who's not here to celebrate it. Or can I not see my family this year to celebrate it, or do I not have the money to celebrate it? Like a loss of finances or stability, even, like, grieving and eating disorder. Right. And challenging that during the holidays can be tough, and all of that is valid, but it's kind of like, the hell do you do with it, right? Yeah. And it's one of those tough ones. What do you do with it?
[03:27] Sarah: What do you do with it? Yeah, it's kind of like a lot of times I don't want to feel this, right? Like yesterday, right? We're decorating the tree. It's fun. And my son is going crazy with the ornaments, right? Putting them all in that one spot, which is hysterical. I'm like, spread them out, man. Spread them out. And yeah, pulling them out. Pulling out. We have so many chocolate lab ornaments, right? Like, we got one a year for years. Some were okay and some were like, oh, I don't know. Like I said, I don't know if I want to look at that every day because it's like, heart wrenching. Because he was my guy. He was my guy. So we chose to put one back in the box. We still have like, seven, but there's this one that just got me and I was like, oh, I don't know if I can. So we put it away to keep it safe and kind of out of the line of vision for now, who knows? But yeah, sometimes you just don't want to feel it and you're still going to feel it.
[04:17] Casey: Yes. I think grief is one of those ones where it hits when you don't want it to. You feel the feelings you don't want to. And there's not necessarily a great solution because it's not something that needs to be solved.
[04:35] Sarah: Right.
[04:36] Casey: And I think that's the hardest thing for people to understand. And there's a reason for that, right? We live in a society where you get one day of bereavement if it's a non immediate family member and whatever. What about a loss of, I don't know, other things that isn't included in your bereavement package or whatever, right. So what does that tell us? Like, oh, I need to get my **** together before I go back to work, right?
[05:04] Sarah: Like, bottle it up, get over it, whatever you got to do to show up as like, quote, unquote, normal life exactly.
[05:11] Casey: When it's not that. And I think it supports a lot of the podcasts we've already done where we live in a society that has taught us that having feelings outside of neutral and positive means there's something wrong with you and we need to hide you. You feel it in private and then you come back to real life. But in reality, I want everybody to know that's incorrect. That's what led us to a society with rampant mental health issues and shame and guilt because we're not allowed to live in the way that is authentic as a human. So I think practicing feeling it in privacy is great and also realizing that maybe you don't have to feel your grief in front of somebody. But acknowledging your grief you talking about Taylor automatically allowed me to connect and feel safe because I don't talk about the loss of my cat with many people. People be like, oh, it's just a cat, just an animal, just a dog, just a turtle. Or grief says have happened like 2030 years ago. Right? You should be over that by now, all the quintessential judgments, but recognizing that if you have tears, if you have anger, if you have a moment where you just feel like ****, yeah, it's okay.
[06:46] Sarah: Yeah.
[06:48] Casey: It's a wave that needs to pass. And I think the thing that we as a society also put into the ether is everything has to be fixed. Right? Like grief has a solution. Well, the only solution would be to bring back what has been lost.
[07:09] Sarah: Right?
[07:10] Casey: And that's not happening right now. I mean, if it's a non person, maybe that would happen, but if it's a person, that's not happening. So how do you expect your grief to be treated if that's not changing?
[07:25] Sarah: Yeah, it's like that meme on the internet that I don't know if I said this on the last grief podcast. If I did, I'm sorry, and I'm not going to say it very well, but it's like you're baking and the butter you put the butter in the dough and you have to knead it. Right? The grief is like the butter. Like it needs into the dough and gets evenly distributed. So it just kind of I don't know, it just is it's there, it's present, but it's not as big and scary as just looking at this thing with like a pile of butter on top. That's totally not the meme. I'm going to have to find it. Maybe it'll help me explain it better.
[07:57] Casey: Because, you know, I love baking and you know, I love talking about grief. So that's like the best to me. The one that I usually use. This is a segment of the podcast we are calling, I don't know, Analogies of Grief. I usually talk about the boulder. Right? The boulder is a good boulder and then it breaks up and you might just have a rock or a pebble in your pocket, but remembering that it's always there, you are forever changed by your grief. Or by your loss, rather. Not by your grief, your loss. And we don't like things that can't change. We don't like that as humans. We want control, we want predictability.
[08:44] Sarah: Yes.
[08:46] Casey: I think during the holidays we feel this because we love, we care, we are connected. And when we lose connection to things or to abilities or to stability, it's not fun. It's just not fun.
[09:08] Sarah: Yeah.
[09:10] Casey: Number one, I think, is acknowledging it tips and tricks. I know that seems easy, but a lot of the time we totally are in denial from the fact that we are grieving.
[09:22] Sarah: Right. Which is a symptom of grief, which is just there it is. Right. Or like guilt. Guilt that waves of guilt that come and go of I could have I should have, I wish I had. Or anger. Those stages of grief, right? The classic stages of grief. But to acknowledge when they're present as a symptom of feeling significant grief over whatever it is that you've lost and.
[09:47] Casey: Taking the time obviously, we can't just take a vacation to grieve. I mean, if you have the ability to do that with your job, I fully encourage it, but most people don't. And I just think, like, treating grief I mean, we can get into this in a different podcast, but treating your emotions as a part of your health. If you're sick and you have the flu, you're in bed, you're getting fluids, you're binge watching whatever TV show you enjoy. Mental health can be treated the same way, like, rest, recharge, do something that feels good to you. But also, if you want to sit in bed for a while, that's okay. If you want to avoid it for a while and then come back and feel it, that's totally fine. But we need to, and hopefully throughout our careers, we are getting this accomplished. Seeing mental health as health. There is a protocol for resting and recharging and supporting yourself. But if you never acknowledge the feelings are there, it's like an infection, and it just gets worse and worse and worse. And so if you're feeling really ****** after years of doing that, that's okay, right? That's your body telling you that. And grief is one of those places that I've noticed in my work, is one of those that bursts the bubble. Right? It's the one that really gets it going. And I think in a weird way, is that a good thing? Is that an invitation to really see yourself and hear yourself? And I think that can be a bonus, if anything. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true.
[11:50] Sarah: Absolutely.
[11:54] Casey: Yeah. Just normalizing. I always laugh when I have those times in sessions where I'm like, you're not going to like this answer. And grief is when I always have those. You're not going to like it. Yeah, but it's going to make you feel better.
[12:12] Sarah: And it's like feeling into it grows your capacity to feel right, to acknowledge when it's there, to acknowledge when it's present, to acknowledge when you don't have the capacity for it. Maybe in doing that and being really kind of compassionate and open with yourself about it, expands the capacity to be with it when it's present and you have the time and the space to feel into it.
[12:33] Casey: Yeah. Which also makes me think of just being aware of when those parts are coming through that have been developed by, I don't know, family who has told you feeling is bad or that your job has frowned upon feeling or just this internal dialogue you have that you shouldn't be a feeling human and recognizing, maybe what that's protecting you from and deciding. Do I need this in this space in my home right now? Or can I put that to the side and feel and check in with myself? After a good cry, you feel better. It doesn't change, but your body feels better. Your body will. Thank you for that.
[13:20] Sarah: Absolutely. Yeah. I'm thinking about all of the kind of sneaky ways that grief comes up during the holiday season, of course, with our pets that we've lost. That's a pretty significant one. And yes, important figures in our lives are no longer with us. But how else let's talk about that a little bit. How else grief can kind of sneak in when maybe you don't even realize that it is grief.
[13:47] Casey: The one that I'm thinking about that maybe has touched me in some way but has been brought out in conversation is just grief about the world we live in. I think about the holidays and all the privileges that I have that other people don't, whether that's safety and that's in the realm of physical safety, financial safety, emotional safety, and people don't have that and you might not have that. Anybody listening. And if you don't, I'm so sorry, because those are the things losing your safety, whether that's through having to relocate or set a boundary or financials or what have you, that's a really underspoken one. Another one is your health. If things have happened to you physically, where your abilities have changed. I think that's a big one. Financial loss, I think that's a really big one. Especially with the inflation that we're living in today, going through the holidays and realizing that a dollar doesn't spread as far as it used to and that the holiday you had five years ago is not the same type of holiday you have now. Loss of coping skills that you used to use. Right.
[15:19] Sarah: So anybody who lost with your eating disorder yeah.
[15:22] Casey: Is getting sober, clean and recovered from an eating disorder. Those are all valid. Especially it's a high urge rate during this time of year, no matter what coping skill you are using and missing that is okay. Yeah, right.
[15:41] Sarah: Of course you do. Right, of course.
[15:43] Casey: Absolutely. That makes perfect sense.
[15:46] Sarah: I'm thinking even of the romanticized version or the idealized version. I don't know either way of the holiday season and what it should look like. And I know in the past I've fallen into this trap of yes, I want it to look this way, it will be this way. It will be like the Hallmark instagram, whatever holiday, everyone's getting along, everything's peace, everything's joyful and wonderful and right. And there is this sense of grief. It's like when it smacks you in the face, oh, wait, real life actually isn't like that.
[16:22] Casey: Oh, that's so valid and so real. And that can be for aesthetic, it can be for familial. And these expectations that we have around all of the things in the holidays. Right. And the symptom that I see coming from that sometimes is people staying in situations, family wise and things like that, to keep appearances, to salvage that vision that they have of all the family sitting at the table and realizing that you're no less of a person if that's not what you right.
[17:04] Sarah: Right.
[17:05] Casey: Just like you're no less of a person if your aesthetics in. Your know, I have a Charlie Brown tree. I'll show you a picture someday. But it used to be purple, and I got it at Walmart back when I was a broke college student, and it's 4ft tall. And then I got a free one from my parents, and it looks really sad, but I looked at it yesterday, I was talking to my husband. I said, you know what? This is me. This tree feels like me. The big seven foot with all the thingies on does not feel like me. So going back to the Authenticity podcast, recognizing what feels good to you now and that is good.
[17:48] Sarah: Yeah.
[17:49] Casey: Right. And making the most of the family that feels safe to you and is supportive to you and making what you have enough, it's the not enoughness that happens all the time in the holidays. It's just another excuse from society to pound you down and saying, you are not enough.
[18:14] Sarah: Right. You should be this way. You should be doing this. That whatever it is. Totally.
[18:20] Casey: And recognizing that you're allowed to feel however you want, anytime, but especially when you grieve that expectation that when you're comparing yourself to other people, which try not to do, guys, it's not a good time.
[18:37] Sarah: No, it's not a good time.
[18:39] Casey: Well, they'll lead you to no good things. But feeling that, like, I want that, or especially folks who have experienced trauma, wanting to give your family better than you had and realizing that maybe some of the remnants of your past are still here, that's okay.
[18:59] Sarah: It's so funny you say that, because I was joking with my family over the weekend. My husband has really taken the outside of our house to a whole new level this year, and we're joking about and I was like, I really think this is just Casey's inner child that's needing some, I don't know, inflatable stuff, whatever. And he'd probably disagree, but it's just interesting to think about different life circumstances, and we are lucky enough to be able to have the money to buy inflatables for our kids and things, and for my husband, because apparently that's what he loves. But it's interesting to think of, like, okay, how are some of these things feeding parts of you that maybe didn't get what you wish that they had way back when? Your caregivers, your parents, whoever it was, may have done the very best they could. Maybe they also didn't. But maybe there was a part of you that still wanted something a little bit different, something a little bit more.
[19:57] Casey: Yes. And if you're still not getting that, I'm sorry, and that's okay. If the circumstances are causing that to happen. Right. If you're not getting the emotional connection that you want from somebody, and the holidays is just a reminder that you're not getting that it's okay to grieve, that it's okay to feel it, it's okay. Because I think it's just, again, a supporter of, like, what do I need in this time? What do I need to support myself? What people do I need to go to in order to feel safe feeling this stuff? Yeah. And it might just be you at first, or it might be a therapist or might be a close friend or family member, but acknowledging it is so important, you can acknowledge it and do nothing with it, that's okay.
[20:48] Sarah: Yeah.
[20:49] Casey: Acknowledge it a little bit, but just recognizing that it's there is listening to yourself, which we don't do enough, myself included.
[21:02] Sarah: Yeah, absolutely. That comes in seasons, right? Like, sometimes we're able to, sometimes we're not.
[21:08] Casey: Right. So I think feeling feelings, especially during the holidays, revolves a lot around grief. But recognizing that grief is a normal human response to loss, I really want people to take that home. A normal human response and all of the ways in which that shows up or we resist it or we ignore it is all okay. Right. But when it becomes too much, listen to your body. Sometimes that's the easiest thing to do first is what feels tense, what feels uncomfortable, and then what would feel good. Maybe we don't have to go to the emotions exactly. But maybe we can just go to how it feels in the body, and that could be enough. And also, if you feel like a grinch during the holidays, that's okay too.
[22:09] Sarah: Right.
[22:09] Casey: We're talking about enjoying the holidays, but if you don't, that's okay, too. And if your grief is causing you to not feel enjoying of it, there's nothing wrong with you. That's okay. And I hope that that changes for you when you feel ready for it to change.
[22:28] Sarah: Yeah. Fully acknowledging that this is a really hard time of year for a lot of people, right. The celebrations, the traditions, the family of origin, the loss. Right. It's a lot to sit with and be with and be faced with alongside of just like we talk about the pressure of society for it to be and look a certain way or for you to be and look a certain way. To have to be grateful, to have to be joyful, to have to be all of these things, when if that's not your truth and your reality, that's cool. You have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
[22:58] Casey: Absolutely. Full permission to do that. This feels like a nice hug and a break, this whole thing. Right? It's like, give yourself a break. Grief is the last thing you should be giving yourself pressure to do or to do it right. Or give yourself a break. Yeah, especially during the holidays of whatever you're feeling, whatever is happening. We're human and imperfect naturally.
[23:27] Sarah: And the waves will roll in, right? The waves of grief over how grief shows up in a million different ways will come crashing, and then they'll recede, right, and you get a little break, and then they'll come back. That's just what emotions do.
[23:40] Casey: They do, and that's okay.
[23:42] Sarah: Anything else you feel like you want to add about the holiday season grief?
[23:46] Casey: Well, since I won't be on the podcast for the holidays, I hope that everyone enjoys their holidays. I hope that you feel whatever you need to feel, you feel supported in that, and give yourself grace and permission to do whatever feels good for you.
[24:02] Sarah: Thank you, Casey.
[24:03] Casey: Thank you.
[24:03] Sarah: All right, everyone. Casey will be back in the new year 2024 after our holiday series with all the other folks in the practice. So, yeah, she'll be back then. And until next week, take good care of yourself.
[24:20] Sarah: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Reclaim You. Be sure to, like, comment and subscribe and check us out on YouTube at reclaim you. If you're looking to start therapy for trauma disordered eating, or body image concerns, head over to our website at WW dot reclaimtherapy.org to learn more about us and our work. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, take good care of yourself. Our.
Reclaim therapy provides grief therapy in Pennsylvania, trauma therapy, body image counseling, EMDR Therapy and eating disorder treatment in Pennsylvania.
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