An Eating Disorder Therapist Shares Perfectionism’s Desire for a Clean Slate
The new year has always been my favorite holiday.
In some ways it continues to be, but for much different reasons than in the past.
Now, I find comfort in the idea that the new year brings a calm time after the busy holiday season.
And don’t get me wrong, I still love setting intentions and envisioning the future. Intention setting and envisioning the future is one of my favorite things to do, actually. Is that really nerdy? :)
Not long ago though, the new year represented something quite different for me.
I’ve been a huge fan of the ‘clean SLATE club’ for as long as I can remember.
A clean, fresh start.
An opportunity to ‘get it right’.
An opportunity to wash all the ‘bad’ away.
An opportunity to be perfect. Ah, feels like an exhale, right?
… An exhale for all but a couple of weeks, and then boom: rigidity, obsession, panic, and shame start to set in.
A cycle that is far from perfect.
Not long ago, the new year meant perfecting myself, and that often translated to perfecting myself through rigid routines, meal structures, workout goals.
“Cut out X food group. Workout for Y amount of time per day.”
“Meditate every day.”
“And, my goodness, stick to that elaborate skincare routine so that you never break out ever again!”
Not all of my intentions were related to my body and “physical health”. I’d add in the occasional ‘read X number of books, only watch TV at ____ time”.
The list truly goes on and on.
Inevitably, I’d fall sick, get tired, get HUNGRY as we humans do, and ‘fall off’.
Some years I’d set the intentions and then ‘fuck up' the very first day and say literally screw it all.
And, of course, beat myself up.
Sound familiar at all?
I ask that because I know I’m not alone.
And year after year, we try again, hoping and praying that something can be different. This WILL be the year for perfection. Or at least something close to it.
I always wanted a fresh start because mess and imperfection made part of me feel uneasy and unsafe.
In setting intentions to perfect and control certain parts of my life (particularly, food/body based ones), I felt safer.
But it solved zero problems for me and instead created many more.
Lots of outbursts, lots of tears, hopelessness- you name it.
This year, I didn’t have the opportunity to think about new year’s resolutions/intentions/goals until literally now, a few days after 1/1/24.
And I’m shocked!
I feel like not only do I logically know that it’s just another day, but I’ve embodied that wisdom.
This week, I’ve needed a ton of rest to ride out a cold, so I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing. And, it feels SO liberating.
Not long ago, I would’ve been so angry at myself that I couldn’t hit the ground running (literally and figuratively) at 7am on new year’s day.
And, I want to reflect on my year and plan for my future because I truly enjoy doing that.
I’m just engaging with the process differently, with much more flexibility and grace, knowing that I can reflect on my life and on my desires any day of the year.
I’m also grateful that my resolutions/intentions/goals (whatever you want to call them) no longer center around food/body in the ways they once did.
Lots of continued internal work with lots of support has allowed me to arrive at this place. And. I still struggle. Make no mistake that I'm now in a 'perfect' relationship with perfectionism/'clean slate' mentality. It's a process. All to say, if you're in it, I hear you, I'm with you. You're not alone.
Right now, I’m still in the process of identifying what I want to focus on this year, and I’m actually okay with the possibility that I may not arrive at anything.
Currently, I’m playing around with the idea of saying ‘no’ more, and I’m still approaching that thought with a ton of flexibility, knowing that I can change my mind. That is allowed.
And there’s not a recipe, a rule-book, or any kind of metric that I’ll be measuring related to how much I do or don't say ‘no’.
Whether you’re into new year’s resolutions or not, I invite you to get curious about any part of you that may be wishing to perfect ANYTHING at this time of year, or any time of year really, and to see what may lie underneath that urge to perfect.
Maybe, just maybe, we don’t need to have a perfectly clean slate to begin the new year with.
Maybe we can enter 2024 with all of our imperfections and messiness and that can be more than okay.
Happy New Year, Happy January, Happy Whatever You Wish This Time of Year to Be.
*side note, while writing this, I'm listening to soothing music, and on comes the song: “I Am Perfect as I Am’ by Beautiful Chorus 🧡.
With love and care.
🧡,
